So, My Dog is ‘Actively Mature’

Well, if that ain’t a humdinger. To find out — on a bag of dog food of all places — that your pooch is a senior citizen. That’s what Purina says about my dog, Chase. She is at least 8 years old, and that must make her an old fart. Dog food manufacturers, and maybe others, seem to think that 7 years or older starts the beginning of the “age.” To me that’s when dogs are in their prime. For that matter, if you apply the 7-dog-years-to-1-human-year ratio, any of our breed 49 or older is also a senior, and needs to be put on this specially formulated diet with added fiber, crude fat and chicken by-product. Hate to be the bearer of bad news. I found this all recently while researching dog food. I wanted to make sure I was feeding Chase the best there is. I wanted food that was good for her joints, would keep her sturdy and strong, would make her coat shine like a newly polished car, wouldn’t let her eyesight sag and, most importantly, wouldn’t make her throw up all over our rug like the last time we switched food. Personally, I found her food a little grainy, and it didn’t go well with milk. So I researched, and WHAM! Chase?!? Old?!? Naw. that dog has more energy than shaken plutonium and can still drool with the best of them. Yet, Purina calls her a “senior dog.” Iams calls her “actively mature.” Actively mature? […]

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Taking the War to the Mosquitoes

It’s time to take the war, the great battle, to the next level. Oh, I’ve been fighting it most of my life — this struggle, this great occupation. I have turned plowshares into swords (whatever that means) and raised the flag of war. It’s my familiar battle cry used when I tackle weeds, my shed or whenever my mother wants me to try something new. Now it’s for mosquitoes, and I’m waiting on the ultimate weapon. Come on, postman, bring it to my door. Mosquitoes in Florida come like driving rain. They’re especially bad this time of year because the dollar is weak and bugs from other countries are finding terrific airfare on online travel sites. They’re swarming in my yard and making life miserable outside. I’m tired of breathing citronella fumes, which I’m convinced only makes mosquitoes punch drunk. They become a bit more wobbly, ask for a lot of spare change and drool on you as they’re biting. And I’m tired of wearing two layers of clothing and chain mail when I go outside. So I’ve taken the advice of my neighbor, John, who told me to get a Mosquito Magnet. I was skeptical at first. There have been any number of gimmicks and mosquito-killer products over the years — the mosquito laser, mosquito napalm, mosquito casinos to get them hooked on gambling, bug zappers and moving to the North Pole. But this new device, which he bought months ago, seems to be working. It’s clearing out his […]

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Trip Planning Goes Awry in the Florida Keys

Boy, I’ve never goofed one like this before. Riding down to Key West, expecting to check-in to a cottage in Old Town, and boom, we find we’re arriving a night early. A night early! Oh mealy worms. Sometimes I have the common sense of an overcooked macaroni noodle. The wife found out when she called to request late check-in. “Um,” they told her, “you’re not scheduled to check-in until tomorrow.” The heat of embarrassment took a tour through my body, ending in my toes. I thought my toenails might pop off. I looked for someone to blame, and maybe the dog, but I had to take this one squarely on the shoulders. I misread the paperwork — dates were never my strong point — and we were up the creak. What a way to start a week-long vacation in the Keys. But you know, a start like that means it can only get better. And it did. It all worked out. Thompsons may have chronic bad luck, and petroleum jelly for brains, but we’re survivors. It all worked out because in the Florida Keys there’s no living but good living. I love it down there. And it’s not for any of the reasons most people have. Frankly, I don’t do anything that makes the Keys the Keys. Don’t boat, don’t fish, don’t drink until I’m inside out, don’t lobster hunt, don’t collect shells, don’t buy cheap crap, don’t visit tourist attractions, don’t snorkel, don’t scuba and don’t go anywhere that […]

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