Termite tenting prep-o-rama

It’s only two days out of the house — two days that will be over with by the time you read this. But it already feels like an eternity … and we haven’t even left yet. We’re still packing to leave. It’s quite a process, prepping a house so the termite people can erect their grand circus tent of horrors. They’ll pump it full of gas, eradicating all those wood-eating critters who think my 100-year-old domicile is a McDonalds drive-thru. The termites have been coming out in little swarms, dancing about like drunken spring breakers. “Party-on, dudes,” I tell them. “Enjoy it while you can.”

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Pondering the REAL questions about extraterrestrial life

The new movie “Prometheus” — about man’s origins, spaceships and creatures that like to treat us like we’re chickens in a processing plant — has me pondering the existence of extraterrestrials. Whether there is life out in the stars — out amongst the great unknown. And what questions we would want answered by these intelligent beings. Unlike great scientists and philosophers, I have simpler mysteries I want solved. Like do they have any colors we don’t know about? Something you couldn’t get in a box of Crayola 64. What would it look like, that amazing, wonderful, never-seen-before discovery? Would it have a cool name like “jimpooza” or something simpler … like “stan?”

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Last flight of the kindergartner

She had to say it again. Her tone sounded … well, it sounded like she thought I was an imbecile: “Yes! TOMORROW is the last day of kindergarten.” OK, I am sort of an imbecile. We men don’t compute things until they’re laid out in front of us with neon and barbecue sauce slathered all over. We should pay better attention. We should listen once in a while, but that requires more brain cells than we have in the bank.

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