Lost in a world of overly-advanced, high-tech … um … toilets

You know you’re living the dream when you find yourself comparison shopping for toilets. Yes, I said that right: comparison shopping for toilets. That’s when you decide that the one that has been in your house since you bought and renovated it will no longer do. That your past self was a cheap neophyte with the wisdom of bread mold. That the old commode with its non-stop running should be replaced, not merely fixed. And that you should take the next step up to luxury and water closet bliss with a modern, convenient, comfortable and truly sophisticated … dude, that just sounds ridiculous! It’s a frickin’ toilet!

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Goodbye pillow fights, hello concussion

There is absolutely nothing funny about this column. I am legally obligated to state this right up front. In fact, I’m legally obligated to believe it. I’m legally obligated to promote it, preach it, scream it from the hills. I am also legally obligated to say that pillow fights are bad. That they can lead to serious injuries, and should never be performed with actual pillows. Air pillows — the imaginary kind — are the only kind that should be used in a pillow fight. I am legally obligated to say that if you do use real pillows, bad things can happen. Horrible things. Major injuries may ensue. Society might collapse. You will spend the rest of your days starting sentences with, “I am legally obligated to …”

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Building the (almost) perfect Leprechaun trap

The letter from my daughter’s first grade teacher said: “We will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with a special project. Each student will be asked to build a ‘Leprechaun Trap!’” A Leprechaun Trap! Hot diggidy dog! It’s supposed to encourage her imagination and ability to write about a sequence of steps. But I don’t know why it kept talking about her. I GET TO BUILD A LEPRECHAUN TRAP!!! WOOHOO!

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40 wishes from a newly-crowned 40-year-old

Forty years old. Four big decades. Whew! A major milestone like this is a chance to look back and remember where you’ve come from, and all the things you’ve been through. It’s also a time to look forward — to not dwell on the past, but to focus on the future and where you’re going. Life is meant to be lived, by golly, so in honor of my 40th birthday, I give you “40 wishes for my 40th year.” 1. To invent something really revolutionary and world changing. Like a manly boa, or a Swiss Army shoe. You know, a shoe you can use as a can opener or to fight off bandits.

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