It was some of the worst news I have ever received in an email. I slumped back in my seat, swallowed hard and contemplated crying. “You did this,” I scolded myself. “You have no one to blame but yourself.” How could I have been such a fool? “Howdy,” the email started out. I should have sensed right then it was bad. I should have Googled “cheap cave for sale Arkansas” and then gone into hiding like a hermit. I should have clicked “delete” straight away. But instead I read on: “Well, school is about to begin yet again and that means we only have 12 weeks from yesterday until TOUGH MUDDER.” AHHHHH! It was the dude at the college who “recruited” me for a team to take on a Tough Mudder — a masochistic series of physical obstacles spread across a muddy 10-mile course. One of those obstacles involves electrified wires dangling down. When you read up on a Tough Mudder, you notice startling similarities to Dante’s nine circles of the underworld. Unfortunately, you don’t notice these similarities until after you paid the non-refundable entry fee. I agreed to it months ago, and only because I was certain a giant comet was going to strike the Earth. I figured it would postpone the Tough Mudder for at least a couple weeks. That would give me time to come up with a proper excuse to get out of it: “Man, I’m on comet cleanup duty. Bummer!” Still no comet! (Stupid doomsday […]
Surviving August in Florida
It’s August. It’s hot. The most miserable month in Florida is upon us. People drag themselves about the streets like sloths, dripping in sweat. Our greetings grow more and more testy as the month goes on. “Your face offends me!” is often heard for no good reason. We all hate August. We all dread it. September can never come soon enough. August isn’t a month to “live.” It’s a month to “get through.” The best August is the one you see in the rear view mirror. “Fairwell! Nobody liked you!” But I submit that time is a precious commodity and that we should never wish it away. Not even a hot, horrid month like August. Because this is a month that defines us as Floridians. Without August, we’re just really tan people who like to wear flip-flops. But August is what makes us unique. Makes us tough. Makes us daredevils and warriors. We cut grass in this weather! We’re surviors! We’re Floridians! Hear our sweat roar! So I offer you poor, suffering Floridians a few reasons why we shouldn’t dread August, but instead embrace it and thank it for making us who we are: • Remind yourself that heat is good for the pores. In fact, heat will actually melt away your pores. Plus, people pay good money to have their hair curled. In our blistering heat and unbearable humidity, mother nature’s salon does it for free. I have curls on my head that could be used as springs on […]
Time for back to school
“Do those shoes fit anymore?” I asked my daughter as we headed out the door to walk the dog. I was shocked by what I saw. I thought she was wearing a doll’s shoes. I imagined little toes curled up inside like a roll of paper towels. That they might burst free at any moment. She looked at her feet. “Nope,” she answered. “They don’t.” “Then why are you still wearing them?” I asked. “That looks incredibly painful.” “Yep, it is,” she said. “I can’t feel my left pinky toe. And something just popped in my right foot. I think it was a bone. But I just LOVE these shoes. I can’t think to give them up.” She batted her eyelashes and smiled. “Let’s go!” she said before hobbling down the steps. Looked like a girl with two peg legs. Like many houses this time of year, it’s back to school shopping time at mine. Lists for school supplies have arrived, and every day I come home to find more bags stacked floor-to-ceiling with pencils and Crayons and notebooks and other third grade-related items. We could open an office supply store in my living room. If a hurricane comes, we don’t have a bottle of water or a can of tuna fish to survive. But if the school supply apocalypse arrives, we’d be set for months. Then there are the clothes. Back-to-school clothes. About this time of year we ignorant parents (I’m primarily referring to the male species here) always […]
Goodbye vacation state of mind
We can bottle, freeze-dry, package, can, concentrate and shrink-wrap anything. You name it, we can vacuum pack-it. We can seal it up nice and fresh. Ready to open at a later date. Enjoy! So with all of our technology, with all of our ingenuity and know-how — all of the means at our disposal! — why hasn’t anyone thought to bottle a vacation? I’m sure it’s doable. And incredibly lucrative for the successful inventor. I would buy it. I would pay almost any amount of money for it. Well, if that amount of money was $6.52. That’s about what I have left after a 10-day vacation to the mountains of North Carolina. I’m a week back from that wonderful, amazing, soul-refreshing, rock-climbing, stream-dashing, gem-finding, deer-spying, flying squirrel-flying (not sure where that last one came from) curvy road-riding vacation, and I am longing to be back there. Free from the reality and the pressure and the stress that is real life. How I would love to go into the refrigerator right now, grab a can of vacation and pop the top. Just stand there in the kitchen soaking up its wonderful effervescence. Returning to that vacation state of mind. “Ahhhh, mountain air, take me away!” Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t you buy that? Right now millions of Americans are returning from vacations, struggling to re-acclimate themselves to the routines of regular life. Grocery shopping. Bed making. Bill paying. Waking up at a normal hour to go to work. Remembering that drinking […]