The DIY guide to surviving hardwood floors

I’m a guy who fancies himself a real do-it-yourselfer. Just enough knowledge to take on large household construction projects, yet not enough to do them competently. This past weekend I laid down more than 400 square feet of new hardwood flooring in my old house. Hundreds of little blocks of wood needed to be positioned just right. Thousands of air-fired nails had to be pounded in. And one dog had to be so traumatized by the sounds of an air compressor that she stole the car. Rewarding? Ask my permanently-hunched-over back. But on the whole, yes. Which is why I’m here to give you some reasons why you, too, not only can, but should become a DIY master and take on a hardwood floor project yourself: • Your back, thighs and hands will love you for it. My hands are still partially numb from all the hammering and gripping. I have splinters the size of vampire stakes. And even three days later, my legs feel like they’re made of concrete. I have consumed more ibuprofen than some states will go through in a year, and I still can’t feel two toes. • You will finally understand what “DIY” REALLY stands for. It’s not “do-it-yourself,” but “done-it-yet?” Because it will take you twice, or four times, or possibly infinitely longer than you ever expected. Because you have no sense of “project” time. And you’re optimistic and ambitious, and ultimately, pretty stupid. You think to yourself, “I have a football game to […]

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Freeloading chickens enter retirement

Have you ever had a long talk with a chicken? A sit-down. Like you do with your kid. When you have something important to discuss. Like how they haven’t washed behind their ears in 5 years, or why they thought drinking chocolate milk on a white sofa was advisable. That kind of talk. You pull in your chair nice and tight. You sit up straight. You have a look on your face that screams, “I just sat on a giant sandspur!” Serious. Perturbed. Authoritarian. “Here’s my message. You will get it.” This is the talk I must have with my chickens, Ruby and Louise. This is my life. I have hit rock bottom. Why am I’m resorting to lectures with poultry? Oh, it’s simple. My freeloading fowl appear to have entered into retirement. Their laying days might just be behind them. They’ve been at it for a little over three years and the whole egg laying thing doesn’t “suit them” anymore. They’ve hung up the coop. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? They don’t have a coop. They live in a poultry paradise. A big, cozy hen house that occupies part of my shed. And a run. And perches and rocking chairs and good food and 24-hour concierge service with free valet parking and timeshare credits in South Beach. The chickens have it better than I do. And the only thing — the ONLY thing — I ask of them is to produce nice, fresh, delicious eggs. But […]

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Star Wars strikes back

“So, you’re a 41-year-old man sitting here watching ‘Star Wars’ cartoons,” my wife said. I looked around the room to see who she was talking to. It was a new Disney Channel animated series called “Star Wars Rebels.” Cue theme music. Laser blasters. General awesomeness! I had waited a long time for this show to come on, and now I had to deal with this peppering. “This is how you’re going to spend your night?” she asked. It was more astonishment than actual questioning. Maybe she just wanted me to turn on something more cerebral and sophisticated, like the “Real House Wives of Topeka, Kansas.” Maybe she was trying to understand my fascination. Either way, trashing “Star Wars” was not cool. The power of the Dark Side was strong in her. Because this wasn’t just some “cartoon.” Oh no, this was boyhood fascination and childhood wonder run amuck — a nostalgic, mythic roller coaster to a galaxy far, far away. I note that 6.5 million people around the world watched the premiere of this new “cartoon,” based on the greatest space odyssey ever told. In the U.S., 2.7 million viewers watched. Of that, 1.3 million were kids aged 2-11 and 918,000 were kids age 6-11. Hmmm … maybe those numbers don’t help my cause. That leaves a total of three adults aged 39-45. Two of them went into a coma midway through the show, nearly drowning in a puddle of their own saliva. Was I the third adult, sitting alone […]

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The nincompoop’s guide to buying a fridge

The refrigerator in my house is so old that that you still stuff blocks of ice in the bottom to cool it. Well, not that old, but pretty darn close. It does the trick — chills food — but we’ve been thinking it’s time to replace the old boy. And I’m realizing the hard way that a lot goes into buying a refrigerator these days. Refrigerators might be the most technically complex appliances in the house, and you have to first understand the hundreds of different configurations, options, sizes and styles before making a decision. So I thought I would share a few of my tips to help other refrigerator buyers navigate these chilly waters: • For starters, don’t be afraid of all the new technology — the bells with even fancier whistles. In fact, choose a fridge that has more buttons and digital displays than a space shuttle. That way, if anyone from NASA ever visits your house, they will be duly impressed. • Don’t worry about budgets or what you can afford. PSHAW! Because the minute your wife sees the one with the wine chiller and foot massager that is $1,000 more than you planned to spend, that’s all out the window anyway. • Show off in front of the salesman by asking lots of well-researched and knowledgeable questions. Here are a few examples: “So, does this one get, like, really cold?” “What kind of gas mileage does this baby get?” and “If this one is shinier than […]

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