When Turkeys Attack

Forget about the avian flu, people. Just forget it. There’s a much bigger threat we need to be thinking about — worrying about — and it’s not a chicken with a runny nose.

I’m not making light of it. The avian flu could be serious and could be an issue we have to face in the future. I’m just saying it’s not THE most pressing issue right now. Not when there’s another one at hand.

This one will have the whole world squirming in its undershorts. I read about it in the Wall Street Journal. Actually, my wife did. She was so concerned, she clipped it out and gave it to me.

“Tell the world,” she cried. “Tell the world that it’s in danger, and that we need to build a rocket ship to flee.”

Well, she didn’t mention a rocket ship, but she did seem alarmed.

What is it?

WILD TURKEYS ARE ATTACKING PEOPLE.

I kid you not. I read it in the Journal!

The subhead of this Nov. 23 story — which ran on the front page, mind you! — read: “Toms, seeing people as low in pecking order, commit fowl play with spurs.”

Yeah, be afraid. Don’t even trust those turkey leftovers sitting in the fridge. (Could be waiting to ambush you.)

The story talked about an upsurge in the number of wild turkeys reported attacking people, and cars, around the country. One man was chased on his motorbike by wild turkeys. (I was disappointed when I re-read that part and realized the turkeys were not ON the motorcycle, but he was.)

But there have been reports in Oklahoma, Massachusetts, New Jersey (where a mailman was ambushed — I think he killed it with a Spiegel catalog) and Pennsylvania. It’s all over the country. (No word on which way the turkeys voted in the last election.)

Epidemic? I think so. A cure? Nothing you can get in a syringe.

The story was as frightening as it was fascinating. Scientists explain it this way: 1) Turkeys are dumber than plywood; 2) It’s possible that because of this shortage of brain cells, they see humans as other turkeys, despite the obvious size difference and a strange lack of feathers.

The story went on to give a few expert theories on why this occurring, including that turkeys have a pecking order built on dominance and subordination, and that certain human behavior could cause them to think we’re a “subservient life form.” That we’re below turkeys!

I just quote the story. Don’t get mad at me. Although, it would be a heck of a note if it were true and turkeys are so dumb, they’re only now realizing they’re above us.

“You mean for centuries they’ve been eating us on pumpernickel with mayonnaise and we didn’t have to take it?”

Some turkeys even attack cars, which was explained as turkeys seeing their reflection, thinking it was a subservient human-turkey with a door handle on its head and then getting into a brawl until the car-door-human-turkey wins. How have turkeys survived all these years?

But it goes to show you that you can never trust an animal that walks around with a big flap of red skin hanging off its head. Any animal that doesn’t go to a dermatologist to get that taken care of has some serious problems. What is that thing? Is that where the brain is?

I don’t know, but the story does have some advice for those who run into an attacking wild turkey. Show him who’s boss. Sit him down, make him do a few complex calculus equations and he’ll get so embarrassed and belittled, he’ll march back into the woods, never bothering another human being.

Then we can move on to more important things to worry about, like the avian flu, which can score a 1,500 on the SATs and won’t just attack car doors.

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