It was sad. Almost pathetic. There I stood in the light bulb aisle of the hardware store. An entire aisle of insanity stared down at me. Laughing at me. Taunting me. “Hahaha. Whatcha’ gonna’ pick, silly man?”
I didn’t know. I was a humbled doofus. A HUMBLED doofus! I had hit rock bottom.
The only thing that made me feel any better were the two guys standing there with me. One was growing visibly frustrated. Like he might start throwing bulbs. “Halogen!” he mumbled to himself. “No, no, no. I don’t want halogen!”
I gave him a sympathetic look. I was in my own miserable state.
In my hand I held two different compact fluorescent lights, those funny shaped bulbs that look like strands of DNA with their coiling white glass. It seemed simple enough to go into the store and pick replacements. But I quickly realized that lighting is now a brave new frontier.
Lower energy bills have come at a price: massive confusion. Furious frustration. Partial insanity. Why? So many options. So many variations. So many bulb sizes. Wattages that don’t mean what they used to mean. The new measurement is “lumens.” Lumens?!? I thought you ate lumens to lower your cholesterol. There were various shapes, codes and colors. I think there were scented light bulbs, and one that scolded you if you didn’t turn it off — “You just wasted 13 cents!”
I had to remind myself that I’m all for this. That the old timey light bulbs that did nothing but generate heat and waste electricity deserved to be a thing of the past. That this push for more energy efficiency was a good thing. Yes, a good thing. I had to remind myself this. Because I was starting to doubt it. The wall of lighting options was turning me against myself.
Because I’m all for energy efficiency, yet why does it have to come with so many choices? For decades we had one kind of light bulb. It was yay big with a base yay round. You screwed it into the light socket. Light poured out. Hooray! I didn’t need choices. But why is it easier to pick out a new car than a light bulb?
You have to know the “color temperature” you want. This is measured in kelvins. I thought you ate kelvins to add fiber to your diet. There are “soft white” bulbs that create an inviting or relaxing mood. There is “daylight,” which makes you think of robins in a dewy meadow. There is “perturbed,” which makes you want to knock the stitches out of Kelvin.
But I just wanted two light bulbs. The kind that gave off light. And after an eternity I thought I finally found them … until I got home. That’s when I realized I had the wrong “base” size!
So I guess I’ll go back. The other two guys are probably still there. Or maybe I’ll switch to candles. A humbled doofus sent back to the stone ages when electricity really was efficient, and color temperature only came in one shade.