A letter to the household critters

Dear critters of the Thompson household,

I thought it time I sit down and put into writing some concerns I want to address with you. One or two incidents, I agree, do not constitute a trend. However, we have now reached the point where there is a pattern developing and it’s time to talk.

To put it simply: We’re starting to look like a crazy house! I’m asking you all to pull it together and make some changes.

Let’s start with you, the chickens. And, in particular, the scrawny (but pretty) brown one who goes by Phoebe. Thanks to your inability to stay within your ample enclosed area, I have had to further “enclose” it … stringing ever taller nets around your “land” so that my backyard now looks like a poor man’s batting cage, or some kind of third world fishing village. Not the look I was going for! Please stop hatching wild escape attempts so you can go eat my butterfly bushes.

And you, the dog. What’s with the shedding? I get that it’s turning hot and you think leaving five inches of fur across my living room floor will make you cooler. But guess what? It’s making me hot! At least vacuum once in a while.

And I know you get itchy. I know this because when it’s 5 a.m. in the morning and I’m trying to write my column, you sit behind me and scratch and chew and gnaw. It produces the most awful and disgusting noises. I’ve once or twice gagged. You sound like some deranged ogre devouring corn on the cob. Take that elsewhere!

Oh, and you, the spiders. Let me just lump you in, as apparently you’re part of the family now. I get that you make your living setting up webs to catch bugs. What helps you ultimately helps me. Bravo! However, I take issue with WHERE you setup webs. For instance, on my dining room fan makes it look like we haven’t cleaned our house since the 60s. Is this necessary?

And webs along the floor are combining with the aforementioned K-9’s fur. They’re creating what I can only describe as “shed puffs” — like furry balls of cotton candy. This does not look good! Choose better locations.

And you, the fish. What were you thinking?!? Jumping out of your habitat! When I heard that terrible scream from my daughter, I thought the Huns had invaded. Nope. Turns out you thought launching yourself into the air and out of your lair was a wise idea. Where exactly were you going? What was your long game with that one? Do you see any rivers or streams nearby? You could have been lost forever in a spider web “shed puff!” No more jumping.

To all critters, this has not been our best week. Please think about your actions and step-up your game. Oh, and don’t forget to vacuum once in a while.



Also published on Medium.

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