The great guide to summer

I don’t know when summer “officially” ends, but I do know it’s September, the days are getting shorter and people keep asking me, “how was your summer?”

No matter what the calendar says, when people start asking you that, you know it’s over.


And how was my summer? Good, I guess. A whirlwind. Over too fast. And I’m not even sure what the answer is.

So, I’ve put together a guide to gauging whether you had a fulfilling, memorable and totally enjoyable summer. If you can answer “yes” to at least half of these questions, then you can officially say yours was a good one, too.

• Did you get a sunburn IN your bellybutton?

• Did you tack a to-do list on a cork board with at least 56 things on it … and only did two of them the whole time?

• Is there a permanent indentation in the shape of your head on one of your sofa pillows because you took so many naps?

• Did you marvel at the solar eclipse through special glasses, only to find out you were staring at a street lamp the whole time?

• Did you forget how hot it gets in the middle of the day, mow the grass anyway and end up treated by paramedics while screaming, “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

• Did you pledge to eat more ice cream … AND eat more ice cream?

 Did a member of your children ask your Amazon Alexa at least 550 times, “How many days is it until Christmas?”

• Did a member of your children start playing Christmas music at least once?

• Did you search for a can of paint in your shed and almost die when the wobbly shelves (that are on your to-do list to fix) toppled down upon you?

• Did you take a road trip and even months later you still can’t feel certain regions of your hindquarters?

• Did you take a trip and you’re still asking yourself, “How was my credit card bill THAT high?!?”

• Did you just now remember that you agreed to buy your child a (insert name of something incredibly expensive that your child begged for, but never played with)?

• Did you say at least once that you were going to spend the whole summer in a rocking chair on your front porch reading great books?

• Did you hopefully remember that your porch gets to be about the temperature of an arc welder, and that there are enough mosquitoes out there to carry you away like a Roman emperor?

• Did you remember you turned on the sprinkler in the backyard and were supposed to turn it off … oh, wait a minute … I forgot … gotta’ go!!!

Also published on Medium.

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