T-minus 10 … 9 … 8 … 7<\/p>\n
Just waiting for blast off here at the Thompson house. Today, Dec. 23, is the due date El Doctor set all those months ago for young Baby T\u2019s arrival. As you read this, one of three things will have happened.<\/p>\n
Could be I\u2019m at home with the little one, learning how to change diapers and swaddle, as well as saying things I\u2019ll get punished for like, \u201cShe spits up like a drunken sailor!\u201d and \u201cWould the baby like some roast beef?\u201d<\/p>\n
Could be I\u2019m in the hospital uttering the often repeated, \u201cNow, honey, remember what we learned in birthing class \u2026 \u2018cus I forgot everything.\u201d
\n
\nCould be the baby hasn\u2019t come yet and Nancy\u2019s on the sofa with that look on her face that screams, \u201cCall the paramedics and ask if they\u2019ll bring the jaws of life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Who knows? As the doctor tells us: \u201cBaby\u2019s gonna\u2019 come when baby\u2019s gonna come.\u201d<\/p>\n
You went to medical school for that?<\/p>\n
The wait \u2014 the anticipation! \u2014 is killing me, and I\u2019m not even the one with a baby in my belly. (Although Nancy has suggested duct taping a 60-pound bag of cement to my front so I can get the full experience.)<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all frustrating, but also very exciting.<\/p>\n
Not that the kid is late. As I\u2019m writing this column, she\u2019s still 3 days from her due date. But I\u2019m worried we\u2019ll have to deliver on Christmas Eve when I hear it\u2019s all do-it-yourself at the hospital. (My nightmare is pulling up to find a self-serve instruction booklet and a key to a room. \u201cSome assembly required,\u201d the instructions will read. \u201cBatteries not included.\u201d)<\/p>\n
So we\u2019re all in a tizzy here in Thompson Central. Any little pain, any little sensation and we analyze it, discuss it, look it up in the books, consult the neighbors, jump up, run around, grab the bags, head for the car \u2026 and then realize it was just the washing machine with an unbalanced spin cycle. Whoops!<\/p>\n
Not that we know what a contraction feels like (although I\u2019ve been getting these whoppers as if a butcher is tenderizing my kidneys.) They say contractions are a wraparound sensation from the back to the front, like a boa constrictor eating you for lunch.<\/p>\n
But what concerns me is my wife is so linear \u2014 so textbook \u2014 that she doesn\u2019t always put the pieces together and see the big picture.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, are you having a contraction now?\u201d I expect I will say before getting this reply: \u201cNo. Right now it\u2019s just some intense lower back pain. And my sides are extremely tight and hurt pretty bad. Plus, my stomach is all squeezed up like a water buffalo sat on me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh my God, honey! THAT\u2019S A WRAPAROUND CONTRACTION! Get the bags!\u201d<\/p>\n
Most tell me we will know for sure when the real ones start, and there are two telltale signs: 1) Her face will scrunch up like a pitted prune; and 2) Her hands will wrap around my neck and she will blame me for world hunger.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve been told all manner of things, and we don\u2019t know what the heck to believe. So, we\u2019re not believing any of it. She feels great, has a lot of energy, looks fantastic (aside from the VW Beetle parked in her belly) and we\u2019re having a lot of fun with it.<\/p>\n
We laugh a lot. We point and blame each other for the financial ruin this will bring us. We go to the Alligator Farm and throw gator food to the lethargic reptiles. We make diaper origami \u2014 \u201cLook, it\u2019s Santa Pampers!\u201d We work on our new Web site, totallythompson.com, where we hope to announce the birth of our child, and raise money for her college through sales of hair-growth tonic.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s Christmas and we\u2019re expecting a baby! How exciting is that? We\u2019re going to enjoy every minute of it, especially since no one knows when the contractions will start and the hands will reach for my neck. Which reminds me: Back to the countdown \u2026 6 \u2026 5 \u2026 4 \u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
T-minus 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 Just waiting for blast off here at the Thompson house. Today, Dec. 23, is the due date El Doctor set all those months ago for young Baby T\u2019s arrival. As you read this, one of three things will have happened. Could be I\u2019m at home with the little one, learning how to change diapers and swaddle, as well as saying things I\u2019ll get punished for like, \u201cShe spits up like a drunken sailor!\u201d and \u201cWould the baby like some roast beef?\u201d Could be I\u2019m in the hospital uttering the often repeated, \u201cNow, honey, remember what we learned in birthing class \u2026 \u2018cus I forgot everything.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2","category-parenthoodandchildren"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}