Forget about the avian flu, people. Just forget it. There\u2019s a much bigger threat we need to be thinking about \u2014 worrying about \u2014 and it\u2019s not a chicken with a runny nose.
\n
\nI\u2019m not making light of it. The avian flu could be serious and could be an issue we have to face in the future. I\u2019m just saying it\u2019s not THE most pressing issue right now. Not when there\u2019s another one at hand. <\/p>\n
This one will have the whole world squirming in its undershorts. I read about it in the Wall Street Journal. Actually, my wife did. She was so concerned, she clipped it out and gave it to me. <\/p>\n
\u201cTell the world,\u201d she cried. \u201cTell the world that it\u2019s in danger, and that we need to build a rocket ship to flee.\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, she didn\u2019t mention a rocket ship, but she did seem alarmed. <\/p>\n
What is it?\t <\/p>\n
WILD TURKEYS ARE ATTACKING PEOPLE.<\/p>\n
I kid you not. I read it in the Journal!<\/p>\n
The subhead of this Nov. 23 story \u2014 which ran on the front page, mind you! \u2014 read: \u201cToms, seeing people as low in pecking order, commit fowl play with spurs.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yeah, be afraid. Don\u2019t even trust those turkey leftovers sitting in the fridge. (Could be waiting to ambush you.)<\/p>\n
The story talked about an upsurge in the number of wild turkeys reported attacking people, and cars, around the country. One man was chased on his motorbike by wild turkeys. (I was disappointed when I re-read that part and realized the turkeys were not ON the motorcycle, but he was.) <\/p>\n
But there have been reports in Oklahoma, Massachusetts, New Jersey (where a mailman was ambushed \u2014 I think he killed it with a Spiegel catalog) and Pennsylvania. It\u2019s all over the country. (No word on which way the turkeys voted in the last election.)<\/p>\n
Epidemic? I think so. A cure? Nothing you can get in a syringe. <\/p>\n
The story was as frightening as it was fascinating. Scientists explain it this way: 1) Turkeys are dumber than plywood; 2) It\u2019s possible that because of this shortage of brain cells, they see humans as other turkeys, despite the obvious size difference and a strange lack of feathers. <\/p>\n
The story went on to give a few expert theories on why this occurring, including that turkeys have a pecking order built on dominance and subordination, and that certain human behavior could cause them to think we\u2019re a \u201csubservient life form.\u201d That we\u2019re below turkeys!<\/p>\n
I just quote the story. Don\u2019t get mad at me. Although, it would be a heck of a note if it were true and turkeys are so dumb, they\u2019re only now realizing they\u2019re above us. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean for centuries they\u2019ve been eating us on pumpernickel with mayonnaise and we didn\u2019t have to take it?\u201d <\/p>\n
Some turkeys even attack cars, which was explained as turkeys seeing their reflection, thinking it was a subservient human-turkey with a door handle on its head and then getting into a brawl until the car-door-human-turkey wins. How have turkeys survived all these years? <\/p>\n
But it goes to show you that you can never trust an animal that walks around with a big flap of red skin hanging off its head. Any animal that doesn\u2019t go to a dermatologist to get that taken care of has some serious problems. What is that thing? Is that where the brain is? <\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know, but the story does have some advice for those who run into an attacking wild turkey. Show him who\u2019s boss. Sit him down, make him do a few complex calculus equations and he\u2019ll get so embarrassed and belittled, he\u2019ll march back into the woods, never bothering another human being. <\/p>\n
Then we can move on to more important things to worry about, like the avian flu, which can score a 1,500 on the SATs and won\u2019t just attack car doors. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Forget about the avian flu, people. Just forget it. There\u2019s a much bigger threat we need to be thinking about \u2014 worrying about \u2014 and it\u2019s not a chicken with a runny nose.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}