What are you trying to tell me universe? I\u2019m not understanding the mixed signals. Because a little over a week ago I went out and ran 12 miles. Twelve miles! And it felt great. Like a young man. And then yesterday, unloading groceries at the store I bent over to pick up something and pinched a nerve down near my \u2026 ahem \u2026 buttocks. Nearly doubled over from the pain. Considered calling 911. Considered calling for one of those motorized scooters. Felt NOT like a young man.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s the message here? I\u2019m not getting it. <\/p>\n
Maybe it was just a fluke. I pushed my cart into an empty cashier aisle. I hate empty aisles. You feel so rushed \u2014 panicked even \u2014\u00a0to get your food out of the cart. You don\u2019t want the cashier to stare at you like you\u2019re the reason she can\u2019t go on break or win the lottery or something that doesn\u2019t involve waiting on you. <\/p>\n
I was throwing things on the fast-moving conveyor as fast as I could when I dropped one of my reusable shopping bags. To make matters worse, the shopping cart rolled over the bag and I had to lift it up to free it when \u2026 <\/p>\n
SHAZAM! <\/p>\n
A bolt of lightning bit me somewhere between my hip and the aforementioned buttock.
\n<\/p>\n
I thought I had been shot, the pain was so intense. \u201cI\u2019m too young to die,\u201d I think I screamed out. <\/p>\n
But I didn\u2019t feel young as I tried to straighten up and collect myself, rubbing ye olde creaky bones. Or creaky nerves. The cashier was looking at me like she thought she might need to call for backup. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not a good sign if you get injured unloading groceries,\u201d my wife said when I told her and my daughter about the episode at dinner. <\/p>\n
I shifted in my seat, causing another fiery lightning bolt to race through my nerves. I squeaked in pain. <\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want me to laugh or have sympathy?\u201d my daughter asked. \u201cBecause I don\u2019t want you to think I\u2019m an uncaring child.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s fine,\u201d I told her, grimacing. \u201cYou can laugh. Better to laugh than cry.\u201d <\/p>\n
Which has always been my mantra. And how I plan to deal with this \u201cnot young man\u201d disease, if that is what I\u2019ve fallen victim to. Or maybe I\u2019ll just chalk it up to bad shopping posture or faulty cart design when I get out on my next long run. Right after this infernal pain goes away. (Ouch! It hurts just to type.) <\/p>\n
Brian Thompson\u2019s column is one of three finalists in this year\u2019s National Society of Newspaper Columnists contest in the humor category. He will find what place he won in June. What are you trying to tell me universe? I\u2019m not understanding the mixed signals. Because a little over a week ago I went out and ran 12 miles. Twelve miles! And it felt great. Like a young man. And then yesterday, unloading groceries at the store I bent over to pick up something and pinched a nerve down near my \u2026 ahem \u2026 buttocks. Nearly doubled over from the pain. Considered calling 911. Considered calling for one of those motorized scooters. Felt NOT like a young man. What\u2019s the message here? I\u2019m not getting it. Maybe it was just a fluke. I pushed my cart into an empty cashier aisle. I hate empty aisles. You feel so rushed \u2014 panicked even \u2014\u00a0to get your food out of the cart. You don\u2019t want the cashier to stare at you like you\u2019re the reason she can\u2019t go on break or win the lottery or something that doesn\u2019t involve waiting on you. I was throwing things on the fast-moving conveyor as fast as I could when I dropped one of my reusable shopping bags. To make matters worse, the shopping cart rolled over the bag and I had to lift it up to free it when \u2026 SHAZAM! A bolt of lightning bit me somewhere between my hip and the aforementioned buttock.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[554,557],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2016-nutshells","category-getting-old-er-older"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1327"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1327\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1435,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1327\/revisions\/1435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"