The true meaning of Memorial Day is never lost on me \u2014 that freedom comes with a price, and that many brave men and women proudly served this wonderful country. <\/p>\n
But there\u2019s always a second lesson I wish was as easily understood \u2014 that the sun is a giant ball of scalding hot gas and it will fry you like a paper-thin sliver of bacon. <\/p>\n
So as last weekend\u2019s Memorial Day also marks the semi-official start of sun-scorching season, I thought I would share a few tips on how to ensure your summertime sunburn horror stories are something your friends will talk about for weeks: <\/p>\n
\u2022 Make sure when you\u2019re spraying on sunscreen that you do it haphazardly. Just spritz it on like cologne. A little here, a little there. Miss whole sections of your body. This is what I did, and it explains why my shoulders are perfectly fine, but my sides are the color of a fire truck. There\u2019s nothing more ridiculous \u2014 and uncomfortable \u2014 than a sunburn on your mid-section.
\n<\/p>\n
\u2022 Always turn to the family member or friend who is known as the jokester to help apply sunscreen. This is a great way to make sure that something lewd and obnoxious is drawn or spelled out on your back. The best part is it will be \u201ctanned in\u201d for weeks! And every time you go to the beach or pool, mothers will gasp, scream \u201cYou should be ashamed of yourself, dirty sun-burned man!\u201d and cover up their children\u2019s eyes with a towel. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Important: When your wife says \u201csupervise\u201d the application of your child\u2019s sunscreen, that does in fact mean actual \u201csupervision.\u201d Not merely asking, \u201cSo, did you put sunscreen on?\u201d because you couldn\u2019t be actually bothered thanks to the discovery of nacho chips in the beach bag. Of course the child is going to answer, \u201cyep!\u201d And it won\u2019t be until later when your kid is candy apple red \u2014 except for two tiny white dots on her cheeks! \u2014 that you realize you\u2019re about to be walking home from the beach. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t forget to loudly and brazenly boast that as a third generation Floridian with Cuban blood running through your veins that you are naturally immune to the sun\u2019s harmful rays, and unlike fair-skinned mortals don\u2019t need continuous re-application of sunscreen. Fair skin people just love this! This way they can make fun of you later on when they look nice and tan, and you look like you\u2019ve been dropped in a vat of flaming French fry oil. <\/p>\n
\u2022 Remember that no matter how awful and painful your sunburn looks, you must always claim that it \u201cisn\u2019t that bad.\u201d Keep claiming this, even though you can\u2019t roll over in bed, even though you need your wife to douse you in aloe and cocoa butter, and even though your child keeps asking if you\u2019re having bacon for dinner because you smell like it. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The true meaning of Memorial Day is never lost on me \u2014 that freedom comes with a price, and that many brave men and women proudly served this wonderful country. But there\u2019s always a second lesson I wish was as easily understood \u2014 that the sun is a giant ball of scalding hot gas and it will fry you like a paper-thin sliver of bacon. So as last weekend\u2019s Memorial Day also marks the semi-official start of sun-scorching season, I thought I would share a few tips on how to ensure your summertime sunburn horror stories are something your friends will talk about for weeks: \u2022 Make sure when you\u2019re spraying on sunscreen that you do it haphazardly. Just spritz it on like cologne. A little here, a little there. Miss whole sections of your body. This is what I did, and it explains why my shoulders are perfectly fine, but my sides are the color of a fire truck. There\u2019s nothing more ridiculous \u2014 and uncomfortable \u2014 than a sunburn on your mid-section.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[553,558],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1393","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2015-nutshells","category-florida"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1393","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1393"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1393\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1394,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1393\/revisions\/1394"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1393"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1393"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1393"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}