The actual recorded transcript as I called the cable company, desperately trying to learn more about bundling my services, saving money and watching the Tour de France guilt-free: <\/p>\n
Rep: Good afternoon. This is so-and-so cable company. How can I help you today? <\/p>\n
Me: Yes, thank you. I\u2019m calling because I like money and want to save some with these great deals and services I\u2019ve been reading about. Can you help me with that? <\/p>\n
Rep: Most definitely, sir. Let me run through some of the many choices we are currently offering. Let\u2019s see \u2026 we have a DVR special that comes with two toppings and a side of marinara \u2026 hold on. Wrong special. OK, here we go. Our top package comes with 800 channels, 792 of which you will never watch, plus a DVR that can record 87 shows simultaneously. But don\u2019t worry: You don\u2019t have to watch any of those, either. <\/p>\n
Me: OK \u2026 um \u2026 what else does it come with?<\/p>\n
Rep: Let\u2019s see. It says here you are eligible for our new Super Extreme WIFI modem. What makes it \u201csuper\u201d and \u201cextreme,\u201d you ask? The fact that we named it that. Plus, it is so powerful, you can communicate with the probe Juno, currently orbiting Jupiter.
\n<\/p>\n
Me: Wow! Really? I can?<\/p>\n
Rep: Yes, definitely \u2026 provided NASA gives you the password. But they don\u2019t just give those out to any old yahoo. Say you DID have that password, though \u2026 HOOOEEY, the pictures you would see!<\/p>\n
Me: Oh \u2026<\/p>\n
Rep: But wait, there\u2019s more: We have a remote control you can talk to. <\/p>\n
Me: That you can talk to? Why would I want to do that?<\/p>\n
Rep: I don\u2019t know, maybe you\u2019re lonely. Maybe you have a really tough time making friends. Maybe you want to ask it what that \u201csquare root\u201d thing is all about. <\/p>\n
Me: I\u2019m actually OK. Anything else?<\/p>\n
Rep: Yes, definitely! I forgot to mention that our new DVR actually makes the air taste better in your house. Just like cherries!<\/p>\n
Me: But the oxygen in my house tastes fine. <\/p>\n
Rep: It does? Well, lucky you. My air tastes like something a pig coughed up. <\/p>\n
Me: I\u2019m good. Listen, I really just want to save money. And also, I don\u2019t want my family groaning and making fun of me when I watch Tour de France all the time.<\/p>\n
Rep: Well, why didn\u2019t you say so! This is your lucky day. We\u2019re currently running a special on our new WIFI service that beams telepathic waves to your family, convincing them that your ideas are not the stupidest thing since our DVR that makes the air taste like cherries.<\/p>\n
Me: REALLY!!! That\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m looking for! OK, sign me up, and send me that two-topping special with the side of marinara while you\u2019re at it. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The actual recorded transcript as I called the cable company, desperately trying to learn more about bundling my services, saving money and watching the Tour de France guilt-free: Rep: Good afternoon. This is so-and-so cable company. How can I help you today? Me: Yes, thank you. I\u2019m calling because I like money and want to save some with these great deals and services I\u2019ve been reading about. Can you help me with that? Rep: Most definitely, sir. Let me run through some of the many choices we are currently offering. Let\u2019s see \u2026 we have a DVR special that comes with two toppings and a side of marinara \u2026 hold on. Wrong special. OK, here we go. Our top package comes with 800 channels, 792 of which you will never watch, plus a DVR that can record 87 shows simultaneously. But don\u2019t worry: You don\u2019t have to watch any of those, either. Me: OK \u2026 um \u2026 what else does it come with? Rep: Let\u2019s see. It says here you are eligible for our new Super Extreme WIFI modem. What makes it \u201csuper\u201d and \u201cextreme,\u201d you ask? The fact that we named it that. Plus, it is so powerful, you can communicate with the probe Juno, currently orbiting Jupiter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[554,559],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1473","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2016-nutshells","category-technology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1473","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1473"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1473\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1474,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1473\/revisions\/1474"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1473"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1473"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1473"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}