A dump truck pulled up to my house the other day. That familiar scream from its rear warning siren burned a hole in the air as it backed into my driveway, lifted its payload bay and discarded its contents upon my yard.
\n
\nThe day\u2019s supply of Christmas catalogs had arrived. With rake in hand, I thanked the driver, told him I would see him tomorrow and went about scattering the glossy magazines about the yard. <\/p>\n
My goodness, it has been a bountiful harvest. <\/p>\n
There are so many. All shapes and sizes. All makes and models \u2014 species and breeds. Every variety. Every taste. It scares me, and yet, it\u2019s also kind of exciting. Christmas is coming my friends \u2014 get out the shovel!<\/p>\n
I do and I don\u2019t hate Christmas catalog season, when the glossies emerge from whatever nooks and crannies they\u2019ve been hibernating in and swarm the world like hordes of termites. \u201cDon\u2019t\u201d because they swell my mailbox, making it look like a blowfish sucking on an air hose, the poor thing giving at the seams and holding on for dear life. <\/p>\n
My coffee table is bent under their weight, the recycling bin requires me to hire a man and his burro to help carry them out and no sooner does a new batch go, a new one knocks at the door.<\/p>\n
An organization called New American Dream counts cutting down junk mail as one of its causes, and keeps a fascinating fact sheet with all manner of incredible statistics from agencies like the U.S. Postal Service. For instance, the estimated weight of catalogs and other direct mail in the U.S. waste stream is 5.6 million tons. Each U.S. Postal worker delivers in a year 17.8 tons of bulk mail, equivalent to four elephants. <\/p>\n
Then this one: The amount of time the average American in a lifetime spends opening bulk mail is 8 months. Wo! That\u2019s the one that grabbed me, and if true, that\u2019s terrifying. I don\u2019t just open it, I read it!<\/p>\n
Yet \u2026 any other time of the year I\u2019m annoyed. But in Florida, where you don\u2019t get a turning of the leaves or a deluge of oranges, golds and browns to announce the coming of the holidays, you have to rely on the first sign of catalogs. <\/p>\n
And I\u2019m a sucker for off-the-wall ones with names like, \u201cCrap you use once and then stick in a closet\u201d or \u201cMoney Sucker.\u201d They must have gadgets and tools that look like they were designed for 1950s sci-fi films. Things like retro looking hair dryers that double as cake mixers. Combs that also serve as toothbrushes. Leg shavers that will go with you outside and scrape ice off your windshield. How about a bedside clock radio that brews coffee and does your checkbook?<\/p>\n
Home Depot sent a catalog with fake Christmas trees, fake fireplaces and a faux leather magazine basket just perfect for all those holiday catalogs. Don\u2019t know why I found it so strange, but they also offered up a meat slicer. <\/p>\n
Hard to Find Tools is the kind of catalog that, no kidding, gets my pulse up. Never before have I wanted \u201csupple\u201d leather slippers, but I think about wearing them while using one of their many tools, say the remote control lock or the grill thermometer that alerts you by radio when your food is ready. <\/p>\n
They sell a digital breathalyzer, and while I\u2019ve never needed a snow blower before, it could be fun.<\/p>\n
I dog-ear a couple pages and return it to the stack. <\/p>\n
Another catalog sells items that no one in their right mind could ever need, but obviously someone buys. Take, for instance, the baseball with the American constitution on it. I\u2019m still trying to make the connection. They also sell a money clip with a knife and a nail file in it. I think the tagline should read: \u201cInstead of getting mugged, strike back! And then do your nails while waiting on the cops.\u201d <\/p>\n
So much to see, so much to buy. Did I read the other day that Hummer is coming out with its own cologne? How come I didn\u2019t get that catalog? Must be tomorrow, when the dump truck pulls up again and the catalog raking begins again. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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