Dear critters of the Thompson household,<\/p>\n
I thought it time I sit down and put into writing some concerns I want to address with you. One or two incidents, I agree, do not constitute a trend. However, we have now reached the point where there is a pattern developing and it\u2019s time to talk. <\/p>\n
To put it simply: We\u2019re starting to look like a crazy house! I\u2019m asking you all to pull it together and make some changes. <\/p>\n
Let\u2019s start with you, the chickens. And, in particular, the scrawny (but pretty) brown one who goes by Phoebe. Thanks to your inability to stay within your ample enclosed area, I have had to further \u201cenclose\u201d it \u2026 stringing ever taller nets around your \u201cland\u201d so that my backyard now looks like a poor man\u2019s batting cage, or some kind of third world fishing village. Not the look I was going for! Please stop hatching wild escape attempts so you can go eat my butterfly bushes. <\/p>\n
And you, the dog. What\u2019s with the shedding? I get that it\u2019s turning hot and you think leaving five inches of fur across my living room floor will make you cooler. But guess what? It\u2019s making me hot! At least vacuum once in a while.
\n<\/p>\n
And I know you get itchy. I know this because when it\u2019s 5 a.m. in the morning and I\u2019m trying to write my column, you sit behind me and scratch and chew and gnaw. It produces the most awful and disgusting noises. I\u2019ve once or twice gagged. You sound like some deranged ogre devouring corn on the cob. Take that elsewhere! <\/p>\n
Oh, and you, the spiders. Let me just lump you in, as apparently you\u2019re part of the family now. I get that you make your living setting up webs to catch bugs. What helps you ultimately helps me. Bravo! However, I take issue with WHERE you setup webs. For instance, on my dining room fan makes it look like we haven\u2019t cleaned our house since the 60s. Is this necessary? <\/p>\n
And webs along the floor are combining with the aforementioned K-9\u2019s fur. They\u2019re creating what I can only describe as \u201cshed puffs\u201d \u2014\u00a0like furry balls of cotton candy. This does not look good! Choose better locations. <\/p>\n
And you, the fish. What were you thinking?!? Jumping out of your habitat! When I heard that terrible scream from my daughter, I thought the Huns had invaded. Nope. Turns out you thought launching yourself into the air and out of your lair was a wise idea. Where exactly were you going? What was your long game with that one? Do you see any rivers or streams nearby? You could have been lost forever in a spider web \u201cshed puff!\u201d No more jumping.<\/p>\n
To all critters, this has not been our best week. Please think about your actions and step-up your game. Oh, and don\u2019t forget to vacuum once in a while. <\/p>\n
Signed, <\/p>\n
Management<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear critters of the Thompson household, I thought it time I sit down and put into writing some concerns I want to address with you. One or two incidents, I agree, do not constitute a trend. However, we have now reached the point where there is a pattern developing and it\u2019s time to talk. To put it simply: We\u2019re starting to look like a crazy house! I\u2019m asking you all to pull it together and make some changes. Let\u2019s start with you, the chickens. And, in particular, the scrawny (but pretty) brown one who goes by Phoebe. Thanks to your inability to stay within your ample enclosed area, I have had to further \u201cenclose\u201d it \u2026 stringing ever taller nets around your \u201cland\u201d so that my backyard now looks like a poor man\u2019s batting cage, or some kind of third world fishing village. Not the look I was going for! Please stop hatching wild escape attempts so you can go eat my butterfly bushes. And you, the dog. What\u2019s with the shedding? I get that it\u2019s turning hot and you think leaving five inches of fur across my living room floor will make you cooler. But guess what? It\u2019s making me hot! At least vacuum once in a while.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[571,555],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1593","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2017-nutshells","category-animals"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1593"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1594,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1593\/revisions\/1594"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1593"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1593"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1593"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}