Is it a bad omen if your first birthing class is canceled by a bomb threat? Just asking. Just wondering. Don\u2019t think I\u2019m one of those paranoid nut jobs who believes every little thing is a sign \u2014 \u201cSo when the pigeon with the white feather flew north, that\u2019s how I figured the tornado would wreck the mobile home park.\u201d
\n
\nThe class really was canceled by a bomb threat. No, it wasn\u2019t someone in the class trying to get out of it. And yes, I have been to class since and there were no problems. Well, aside from me learning some stuff that will grow hair on your tongue and make your toes turn green. I\u2019m not sure I wanted to know any of this \u2014 did a little surprise ever hurt anyone? \u2014 but I\u2019m sure getting my share.<\/p>\n
Like what, you ask? Do I need to say anything more than \u201cmucus plug?\u201d Such a thing, I just found out, really exists \u2026 and it made me pass out. You watch movies and all that ever happens is a woman\u2019s water breaks. Turns out that\u2019s not that common. But I guess it sounds better than \u201cmucus plug,\u201d two words I never again want to hear together.<\/p>\n
Turns out getting pregnant is relatively easy. It\u2019s the whole get-the-baby-out thing that takes a lot of practice.<\/p>\n
For instance, there is not a separate hatch for the child. No shoot appears. No ejector seat is used. And that old saying about how it\u2019s like giving birth to a bowling ball through your nostril seems to be remarkably accurate.<\/p>\n
This became painfully clear when the woman teaching the class held up a plastic set of pelvis and hip bones and said, \u201cSee this here? Your baby\u2019s going through that.\u201d<\/p>\n
And just to impress upon the point, she shoved a doll through. It hurt from my toes to the tips of my teeth, and I have not uncrossed my legs since.<\/p>\n
This is all terribly new to me, and it makes me think that whatever school of thought you subscribe to about who we are and where we come from, one thing is clear: There wasn\u2019t no thought put into how to get that baby out.<\/p>\n
It reminds me of an engine compartment. Ever work on your car engine? There\u2019s always one bolt that cannot be reached from any possible angle, and for that reason, the alternator can never be removed. It\u2019s a wonder babies can get out at all.<\/p>\n
But they do! I\u2019m living proof. So now we\u2019ve got to learn how to do it. And I\u2019m freakin\u2019 out.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve got to learn how to comfort, how to massage, how to breathe, how to ask the right questions, how to be supportive, how to not pass out, how to time contractions, how to look for indications of labor and how to make sure our birthing plan is followed.<\/p>\n
And after all that, I\u2019ve still got to remember the dang car keys! Are you kidding me? I\u2019m definitely renting a helicopter \u2018cus I will forget which pedal is the gas when that big day comes in December.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve also learned that there is no one indicator of labor setting in. No siren that goes off, no test you take, no sure sign that the time is now and I had better hop to it.<\/p>\n
That just doesn\u2019t work for me. I want something obvious, like on a turkey. Know how you buy a turkey and it comes with one of those pop-up thermometers to tell you when it\u2019s done. Why don\u2019t they invent something like that?<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, looks like it\u2019s done. And the mashed potatoes are ready, too!\u201d<\/p>\n
But instead, it\u2019s all timing of contractions and monitoring her condition. It\u2019s packing for the hospital, and knowing the quickest route there. It\u2019s learning what a mucus plug is, and how to identify it in a line-up.<\/p>\n
Shoot, with all that, who has time to worry about bomb threats?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Is it a bad omen if your first birthing class is canceled by a bomb threat? Just asking. Just wondering. Don\u2019t think I\u2019m one of those paranoid nut jobs who believes every little thing is a sign \u2014 \u201cSo when the pigeon with the white feather flew north, that\u2019s how I figured the tornado would wreck the mobile home park.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2","category-parenthoodandchildren"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=17"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=17"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=17"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=17"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}