\u201cBrian! You need to come over right now and get your birthday present! It says \u2018time sensitive\u2019 on it!\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh no!<\/p>\n
Not like, \u201cOh no!\u201d I\u2019m not going to do it. More like, \u201cOh no! What could it be?\u201d \u201cOh no! Why in the world is it \u2018time sensitive\u2019 that I have to get it right now?\u201d or \u201cOh no! Is this going to kill me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, my birthday isn\u2019t for like 20 days. What is it?\u201d I said into the phone. <\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t tell you,\u201d she answered. \u201cYou just have to come get it right now. What are you doing, anyway? Watching the \u2018Puppy Bowl?\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n
It was Super Bowl Sunday. I think I WAS watching the Puppy Bowl. I didn\u2019t have time for this.<\/p>\n
I told my daughter to get in the car. That I needed moral support \u2026 and a witness. Plus, someone to drive the car if I got injured. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m only 12,\u201d she said. \u201cI can\u2019t drive!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s of little consequence. Now, bring your bike helmet and the first aid kit we got for the hurricane.\u201d
\n<\/p>\n
Time sensitive? What could it be? Steaks? She bought my brother and me frozen Omaha Steaks once. Maybe mail-order ice cream? A baby duckling? Or something more lethal \u2026 like kerosene. There was no telling with my mother. <\/p>\n
\u201cOK, here,\u201d she said thrusting a white envelope into my hand as we walked in. \u201cHappy birthday! It\u2019s a DNA kit and it cost $91. I got your brother a different one that cost $99, so I owe you $8.\u201d <\/p>\n
Then she cursed, as she often does, and blamed \u201cinflation.\u201d <\/p>\n
It was a lot to process. I stared at the small package while my daughter broke down into hysterical laughter. \u201cOh, that is so funny. Your birthday present is finding out you\u2019re part Cuban! And you ALREADY KNOW you\u2019re part Cuban!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
The kit was from a company that traces ancestral heritage by taking DNA swabbed from your mouth and then mapping your ethnic and geographic history. \u201cUncover your heritage and find out where your ancestors came from,\u201d it proclaims on their Web site. <\/p>\n
This sure beat the year I got dress socks for my birthday!<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know why it said \u201ctime sensitive.\u201d It\u2019s not. I think they just want you to do it quick so you don\u2019t come to your senses and ask for your $91 back. <\/p>\n
Part of me is worried, though. Do I really want my DNA in a database? Stored forever and possibly used for nefarious purposes \u2013 maybe some evildoer will clone, of all people, me! Or maybe I\u2019ll find out something I don\u2019t want to know, like I\u2019m descended from Attila the Hun or the lady who did the \u201cWhere\u2019s the Beef?\u201d commercials. Maybe I\u2019m part muskrat! <\/p>\n
The kit is sitting on a desk by the door of my house. My mother keeps calling to see if I\u2019ve done it yet \u2014 \u201cIt\u2019s time sensitive, you know!\u201d <\/p>\n
I tell her our family has been around for thousands of years and can wait one more day, at least until I finish the \u201cPuppy Bowl.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cBrian! You need to come over right now and get your birthday present! It says \u2018time sensitive\u2019 on it!\u201d Oh no! Not like, \u201cOh no!\u201d I\u2019m not going to do it. More like, \u201cOh no! What could it be?\u201d \u201cOh no! Why in the world is it \u2018time sensitive\u2019 that I have to get it right now?\u201d or \u201cOh no! Is this going to kill me?\u201d \u201cMom, my birthday isn\u2019t for like 20 days. What is it?\u201d I said into the phone. \u201cI can\u2019t tell you,\u201d she answered. \u201cYou just have to come get it right now. What are you doing, anyway? Watching the \u2018Puppy Bowl?\u2019\u201d It was Super Bowl Sunday. I think I WAS watching the Puppy Bowl. I didn\u2019t have time for this. I told my daughter to get in the car. That I needed moral support \u2026 and a witness. Plus, someone to drive the car if I got injured. \u201cI\u2019m only 12,\u201d she said. \u201cI can\u2019t drive!\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s of little consequence. Now, bring your bike helmet and the first aid kit we got for the hurricane.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[573,561],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1708","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2018-nutshells","category-family"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1708","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1708"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1708\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1709,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1708\/revisions\/1709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1708"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1708"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1708"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}