The results are in and big surprise \u2026 I\u2019M HUMAN! Just as I suspected. Some suggested I was part water bug, or had traces of wild dingo. But the DNA doesn\u2019t lie. Turns out I\u2019m still just a boring, slightly-graying man whose family history is exactly what we thought it was: unspectacular. <\/p>\n
WOOHOO! Thank you saliva-scraping family origin DNA kit. You have determined the obvious. <\/p>\n
But my mother was beside herself at the results. Always prone to audacious, grandiose statements, she declared over the phone: \u201cThis is incredible. Our family is the history of the world!\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, that was a bit of a stretch. If anything, all it had told us was we were true American mutts, which we already knew. <\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t like we were a lost people searching for our family roots. My grandmother on my mother\u2019s side was born in Cuba, and her family had moved there from Spain. Documented fact. My grandfather was born in Tampa, but his family had immigrated from Sicily. Documented fact. My father had been born in a steamer trunk, in Louisville, Ky. He had researched his family, and they were of European and British descent. Documented and fact.
\n<\/p>\n
But my mother had decided this wasn\u2019t enough proof. So, she bought not one, but TWO DNA test kits for my brother and me on our birthdays. She was determined to solve the mystery-less mystery of where we came from. (My brother\u2019s DNA kit cost $8 more than mine and came in a fancy box. I\u2019m still sore about that!) <\/p>\n
Total expenditure: $190. New information learned: 0<\/p>\n
That didn\u2019t stop my mother from being over-the-moon when she learned the news. <\/p>\n
\u201cBrian! Don\u2019t you find this fascinating!?!\u201d she screeched into the phone. Outside the phone lines vibrated from the pitch of her voice. \u201cThis test has VERIFIED what we have ALWAYS KNOWN!\u201d<\/p>\n
That is an exact quote. <\/p>\n
\u201cMom, all this verifies is that you wasted $190,\u201d I said. (Plus tax.)<\/p>\n
\u201cWHAT!?!?\u201d she hollered through the receiver. Somewhere a digital phone circuit fried and had to reroute the call. \u201cThis was SO worth it! Now we know for sure. This proves that we came from where we came from. We have DNA evidence! Haven\u2019t you seen the commercials where people think they\u2019re Irish, but they\u2019re really from Mozambique? We might have been from Mozambique! Do you really want to be from Mozambique?!?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s talking about Mozambique!?!\u201d I snapped back. \u201cI don\u2019t even know where Mozambique is! But if I were, THEN this whole thing might have been worth it.\u201d <\/p>\n
She hung up in a huff, disgusted with my lack of enthusiasm. <\/p>\n
My brother is still waiting on results from his more expensive test. My mother anticipates big things with that one. Mainly that it will confirm what my test has already confirmed. Further proof that we\u2019re not descended from space aliens \u2026 which would explain so much. Or what my brother was hoping for: That we\u2019re adopted. <\/p>\n
My mother is so excited, and I\u2019m not sure my phone line can take another call like that. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The results are in and big surprise \u2026 I\u2019M HUMAN! Just as I suspected. Some suggested I was part water bug, or had traces of wild dingo. But the DNA doesn\u2019t lie. Turns out I\u2019m still just a boring, slightly-graying man whose family history is exactly what we thought it was: unspectacular. WOOHOO! Thank you saliva-scraping family origin DNA kit. You have determined the obvious. But my mother was beside herself at the results. Always prone to audacious, grandiose statements, she declared over the phone: \u201cThis is incredible. Our family is the history of the world!\u201d Well, that was a bit of a stretch. If anything, all it had told us was we were true American mutts, which we already knew. It wasn\u2019t like we were a lost people searching for our family roots. My grandmother on my mother\u2019s side was born in Cuba, and her family had moved there from Spain. Documented fact. My grandfather was born in Tampa, but his family had immigrated from Sicily. Documented fact. My father had been born in a steamer trunk, in Louisville, Ky. He had researched his family, and they were of European and British descent. Documented and fact.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[573,561,559],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1722","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2018-nutshells","category-family","category-technology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1722","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1722"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1722\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1723,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1722\/revisions\/1723"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1722"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1722"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1722"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}