It was NOT one of those moments when your life flashes before your eyes. Those cinematic moments when all images and memories dramatically play out in your mind in a fraction of a second. No, there wasn\u2019t time for that. Rather, this was one of those near-death experiences when all you recognize is the sound of your own cursing, the feeling of weightlessness as you desperately try to regain your balance and the knowledge that you will definitely make national news if you expire while carrying a box of Christmas decorations down the stairs. <\/p>\n
When did decorating for Christmas become so dangerous?!?<\/p>\n
\u201cI told you to be careful because there was stuff at the bottom of the stairs,\u201d my wife told me, after remarking at how masterfully I saved myself (even if I did wet my pants.) <\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, but I thought that meant don\u2019t crush the baby Jesus in the manger or step on some glass ornaments. Next time try, \u2018There are lots of boxes and you probably will die if you trip on them.\u2019\u201d
\n<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,\u201d she said. \u201cI thought that was kind of implied.\u201d<\/p>\n
For some reason, Christmas decorating always feels treacherous. The Christmas tree stand has a steel spike sharpened to such a point that it looks like it should be used to fight zombies. All year it threatens to fall on me when I go into the shed, and when I finally take it out for Christmas, I leave it lying around haphazardly. That way if I nearly tumble off the side of the stairs, I have at least a 1-in-4 shot I\u2019ll impale myself on it \u2026 and end up on national news. <\/p>\n
\u201cA man in St. Augustine, Fla., was speared by a Christmas tree stand that is normally used to fight zombies, all while trying to avoid the baby Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n
The problem is I try to do all the hauling myself and don\u2019t ask for help \u2026 until after the paramedics arrive. Take getting the boxes down out of the attic: The sheer number and weight of our Christmas decoration boxes would tax the world\u2019s largest ports. But I get it in my mind that I can carry them down out of the crowded attic on rickety foldup stairs \u2026 TWO-AT-A-TIME!!!<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you need some help?\u201d my wife calls up, and I\u2019m partially offended because she has the phone and has already pre-dialed \u201c911.\u201d Even the dog has come to stare with a look on her face that screams: \u201cOh man, daddy gonna\u2019 die!!!\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no. I\u2019m fine,\u201d I say. \u201cI just needed to extract my underwear from the nail it got caught on, and regain my composure after tripping on that bag of toddler shoes that our daughter might someday decide to wear as \u2026 what?!? \u2026 earrings!\u201d<\/p>\n
Somehow we managed with no injuries, broken bones or electrocutions this year, and our house looks like a holiday wonderland. Hooray! And that gives me a month of peace and solitude to enjoy the beautiful spectacle \u2026 all before the scary process of getting it back in the attic. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It was NOT one of those moments when your life flashes before your eyes. Those cinematic moments when all images and memories dramatically play out in your mind in a fraction of a second. No, there wasn\u2019t time for that. Rather, this was one of those near-death experiences when all you recognize is the sound of your own cursing, the feeling of weightlessness as you desperately try to regain your balance and the knowledge that you will definitely make national news if you expire while carrying a box of Christmas decorations down the stairs. When did decorating for Christmas become so dangerous?!? \u201cI told you to be careful because there was stuff at the bottom of the stairs,\u201d my wife told me, after remarking at how masterfully I saved myself (even if I did wet my pants.) \u201cYeah, but I thought that meant don\u2019t crush the baby Jesus in the manger or step on some glass ornaments. Next time try, \u2018There are lots of boxes and you probably will die if you trip on them.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[573,561,556],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1837","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2018-nutshells","category-family","category-holidays"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1837","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1837"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1837\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1838,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1837\/revisions\/1838"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1837"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1837"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1837"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}