Dear mom, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
First off, happy Mother\u2019s Day! Wow, it\u2019s been 46 years and you\u2019re still there for me,\ncontinuing to \u201cparent\u201d me and tell me when to put my napkin in my lap or how to\nproperly chew my food. Am I the luckiest son in the world, or what? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, I wanted to say I\u2019m sorry I got mad at you for\ncalling me this week \u2026 at work \u2026 in the middle of the day. It\u2019s just that it\u2019s\nwork, and it was the middle of the day, and I recognize that there are\nemergencies when you need to call me, but I just didn\u2019t feel that a bird flying\ninto your house and perching itself on the fireplace qualified. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why? Well, for starters, you left the screen door open. That\nwas just a pure invitation to neighborhood wildlife that they had every right\nto come in and take a look around. Secondly, the bird willingly flew back out,\ncausing no damage, inflicting no violence on your or your cats and generally\nbreaking no laws, aside from trespassing, which most lawyers will tell you is going\nto be exceedingly hard to prove in court. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Finally, the main reason you were calling me was to point\nout, and I quote: \u201cIs this bird the stupidest animal on the planet?!?\u201d Calling\nto pontificate about animal intelligence does not qualify as mid-day emergency.\nI mean, that one is really a stretch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, I thought I would share for you a few examples of things\nyou CAN call me at work for:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 There is an alien spaceship that has landed in your\nbackyard as the first wave of an invasion planned for late summer. On top of\nthat, a couple of the aliens have come to the backdoor to ask if they can use\nyour bathroom until their rented Port-A-Let arrives. Just say, \u201cNo!\u201d, slam the\ndoor and then call me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 A new Star Wars movie trailer has been released and\nbecause of a connection you made on the kitty litter aisle of the grocery\nstore, you are now one of only three people in the world who knows about it. Call\nat any time, even if I am in a super important meeting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 After switching cat food brands \u2026 AGAIN! \u2026 your severely-angered\ncats have taken you hostage, bound you up in the Florida room and given you one\nphone call so I can go and purchase the really expensive food they see on all\nthe TV commercials. They also want to be fed out of the good crystal champagne\nglasses. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 An entire flock of birds has flown into your house.\nThey\u2019re foaming at the mouth, have tattoos, bandanas on their heads and are\ntalking about turning your house into a biker bar for sparrows and blue jays. They\nhand you an eviction notice and ask where the cappuccino machine is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to call me at\nwork. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, happy Mother\u2019s Day! You\u2019re a wonderful mom, but keep\nthe screen door closed and the world\u2019s stupidest animals will surely stop\ncoming inside. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear mom, <\/p>\n
First off, happy Mother\u2019s Day! Wow, it\u2019s been 46 years and you\u2019re still there for me, continuing to \u201cparent\u201d me and tell me when to put my napkin in my lap or how to properly chew my food. Am I the luckiest son in the world, or what? <\/p>\n
Anyway, I wanted to say I\u2019m sorry I got mad at you for calling me this week \u2026 at work \u2026 in the middle of the day. It\u2019s just that it\u2019s work, and it was the middle of the day, and I recognize that there are emergencies when you need to call me, but I just didn\u2019t feel that a bird flying into your house and perching itself on the fireplace qualified. <\/p>\n
Why? Well, for starters, you left the screen door open. That was just a pure invitation to neighborhood wildlife that they had every right to come in and take a look around. Secondly, the bird willingly flew back out, causing no damage, inflicting no violence on your or your cats and generally breaking no laws, aside from trespassing, which most lawyers will tell you is going to be exceedingly hard to prove in court. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[575,561],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1925","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2019-nutshells","category-family"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1925","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1925"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1925\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1926,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1925\/revisions\/1926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1925"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1925"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1925"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}