Here\u2019s a life lesson \u2013 one of those, \u201cListen up, children,\nand you\u2019ll grow up to be old and gray:\u201d Never set off fireworks under a\ngrapevine arbor. Not the kind of high-powered, military-grade types that will\nbring down drones in mid-flight. BUT ALSO not the low-powered kind you get at\nconvenience stores and have cute, little drawings of smiling kitties and\ndaisies. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope you all followed the rule this year. Last year we\ndidn\u2019t, and learned it leads to another lesson: Don\u2019t get blown-up by legal fireworks\n\u2026 the world will laugh. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I write this, I have no idea what is in store for me this\nyear\u2019s Fourth of July. My deadline was early in the week. So all I know as I\nwrite this is my mother bought a bunch of fireworks for the big shindig she\nhosts on Independence Day. Lined up in her garage were quite a selection of\ngoodies: A duck that laid eggs (no idea who thinks these up, or how that one\nwill go.) A truck that drives and launches mortars from its payload. A couple\nof rockets on red sticks that look capable of bringing down a drone in\nmid-flight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI bought them for the kids,\u201d she said. \u201cThey\u2019re all legal\nand safe and perfectly age-appropriate.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAre you kidding?\u201d I said. \u201cYou look like you\u2019re loading up\nfor deployment to Afghanistan!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow bad could it be?\u201d she asked. \u201cIt\u2019s a duck! I mean, it\ndoes have fangs and blood dripping from its beak. And the warning label said to\nlight, run and never look back \u2026 but it\u2019s a cute-looking duck!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We learned last year not to trust my mother\u2019s instinct for \u201ccute-looking\u201d\nfireworks. Also, to never to light them under the grape vine arbor. Every year\nwe gather at her house to eat pulled pork, sweat, argue about nonsense, sweat some more, argue\nabout whether sweating is good for you, eat some ice cream and then set off\nfireworks she bought from a partially-charred tent on the side of the road. It\nis usually run by a guy whose full name is \u201cKenny.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those are the best kind of fireworks, my mother claims. Why?\nBecause they\u2019re not Chinese. There\u2019s no politics involved in that claim. It has\nmore to do with the fact that she believes American fireworks are more strictly\nregulated, tamer, better for the environment, safer and less likely to have\nbeen previously used by a mine-blasting company looking to diversify revenue.\nShe also doesn\u2019t read labels, because if she did she would realize they\u2019re universally\nin Chinese, which is kind of a dead giveaway as to their country of origin. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But no matter \u2026 it\u2019s a duck! With bloody fangs!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And some of us get it in our minds that maybe she\u2019s right. Maybe\nwhat Kenny sold her is completely tame and safe. Maybe we can light the cute\nlittle duck or bunny or Australian wombat holding a detonator off the back porch\nor under the grape vine arbor. Because that\u2019s what people like us with advanced\ndegrees do. Forget that it\u2019s kind of like setting them off indoors. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As my brother went to light the little firework last year, I\nremember telling my daughter and wife, \u201cBackup \u2026 backup like-go-to-Palataka-backup.\u201d\nJust then the entire grape vine arbor erupted into a smoking hell of candy-colored\nflames. Family members leaped for cover and screamed, \u201cStupid Kenny!\u201d Grapes\nexploded on the vine from the intense heat. A drone flying over immediately\ncrashed. A year later my brother\u2019s eyebrows still haven\u2019t grown back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have we learned our lesson? By the arsenal of coal-mine\nblasting fireworks lined up in my mother\u2019s garage, I would say, \u201cno.\u201d But at\nleast the charred grape vines haven\u2019t grown back yet. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Here\u2019s a life lesson \u2013 one of those, \u201cListen up, children, and you\u2019ll grow up to be old and gray:\u201d Never set off fireworks under a grapevine arbor. Not the kind of high-powered, military-grade types that will bring down drones in mid-flight. BUT ALSO not the low-powered kind you get at convenience stores and have cute, little drawings of smiling kitties and daisies. <\/p>\n
I hope you all followed the rule this year. Last year we didn\u2019t, and learned it leads to another lesson: Don\u2019t get blown-up by legal fireworks \u2026 the world will laugh. <\/p>\n
As I write this, I have no idea what is in store for me this year\u2019s Fourth of July. My deadline was early in the week. So all I know as I write this is my mother bought a bunch of fireworks for the big shindig she hosts on Independence Day. Lined up in her garage were quite a selection of goodies: A duck that laid eggs (no idea who thinks these up, or how that one will go.) A truck that drives and launches mortars from its payload. A couple of rockets on red sticks that look capable of bringing down a drone in mid-flight. <\/p>\n
\u201cI bought them for the kids,\u201d she said. \u201cThey\u2019re all legal and safe and perfectly age-appropriate.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[575,561,556],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1948","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2019-nutshells","category-family","category-holidays"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1948"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1949,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1948\/revisions\/1949"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1948"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1948"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1948"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}