So, let\u2019s just get something straight you two: YOU\u2019RE PORCH\nCATS!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By definition, that means you live on my porch. That means I\nhave ceded a little bit of my territory \u2013 my land, my homestead, the property\nthat I pay a mortgage on every month \u2013 to your furry little behinds. Out of the\ngoodness of my heart. As repayment to my wonderful neighbor down the street,\nwho we lost last year. Your previous owner. A terrific woman. And because of\nthat, we let you migrate down the block and take up residence here, on our\nporch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But here\u2019s what I\u2019m trying to explain to you \u2026 it comes with\nresponsibilities! Certain guidelines. You don\u2019t just get to live here rent\nfree. (Well, that\u2019s not exactly true \u2026 you ARE living here \u201crent free.\u201d In\nfact, I\u2019m losing money on the deal! Which brings me back to my point \u2026) You two\nmight be pleasant, enjoyable and awfully sweet, but you need to accept a couple\nof rules that I\u2019m laying down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For starters, throwing up on the porch \u2013 your home!!! \u2013 is\nstrictly forbidden. I mean, this should go without saying. Why would you even\ndo that?!? There is a whole huge yard out there where you can do frankly\nwhatever you want. Why do it here? Where people walk! Because, here\u2019s the thing:\nWe don\u2019t always look where we are stepping. Especially when it\u2019s early morning.\nA little dark out. And I just want to get the newspaper. See where I\u2019m going\nwith this? You think that\u2019s a pleasant morning greeting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t be so picky about your food. Let me re-state that:\nDon\u2019t be so picky about MY food. The food I buy and generously provide. Not so\nmuch, you Sunburst. You would eat a bowl full of mashed crickets, scraggly\nlittle bugger that you are. But you, Teagrass. These hunger strikes you go on\nif I don\u2019t get the Whiskas in the pouches and pour the gravy just right over\nthe top of the dry food in some kind of pattern like a coffee barista making a\nfancy cappuccino. Oh, no, sister! You eat what I put out there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Also \u2026 NO CAPPUCCINOS!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For another thing, when I\u2019m coming up the porch loaded down\nwith groceries \u2026 MOVE!!! I mean, is this some kind of ploy to trip me so the\nother one can make off with the ground beef? This stuff is heavy. Don\u2019t just lounge\nthere like I need to go around. Like you\u2019re some kind of traffic cone that\nneeds to be avoided. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don\u2019t put your claws on the screen door when you want to\neat. Teagrass, you got your claws stuck in there last time and I had to come\npull you free. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I\u2019m backing out the car, don\u2019t use that as your\nopportunity to strut to the end of the driveway and start grooming yourself\nthere. You could go anywhere you want, but the minute I start to backup, you go\nthere! Does that seem like a good career move to you? More like a good way to\nend up a pancake. And then when you do move, I would appreciate if you didn\u2019t stare\nat me like I have some nerve disturbing you. Like I\u2019m the biggest jerk in the\nworld. Like to get back at me you\u2019re probably going to go throw up a hairball on\nMY porch. I mean, you sleep there, for goodness sake!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So, let\u2019s just get something straight you two: YOU\u2019RE PORCH CATS!!!<\/p>\n
By definition, that means you live on my porch. That means I have ceded a little bit of my territory \u2013 my land, my homestead, the property that I pay a mortgage on every month \u2013 to your furry little behinds. Out of the goodness of my heart. As repayment to my wonderful neighbor down the street, who we lost last year. Your previous owner. A terrific woman. And because of that, we let you migrate down the block and take up residence here, on our porch. <\/p>\n
But here\u2019s what I\u2019m trying to explain to you \u2026 it comes with responsibilities! Certain guidelines. You don\u2019t just get to live here rent free. (Well, that\u2019s not exactly true \u2026 you ARE living here \u201crent free.\u201d In fact, I\u2019m losing money on the deal! Which brings me back to my point \u2026) You two might be pleasant, enjoyable and awfully sweet, but you need to accept a couple of rules that I\u2019m laying down. <\/p>\n
For starters, throwing up on the porch \u2013 your home!!! \u2013 is strictly forbidden. I mean, this should go without saying. Why would you even do that?!? There is a whole huge yard out there where you can do frankly whatever you want. Why do it here? Where people walk! Because, here\u2019s the thing: We don\u2019t always look where we are stepping. Especially when it\u2019s early morning. A little dark out. And I just want to get the newspaper. See where I\u2019m going with this? You think that\u2019s a pleasant morning greeting?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[575,555,563],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2019-nutshells","category-animals","category-houses"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1956"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1956\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1957,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1956\/revisions\/1957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}