Oh \u2026 right! So, that\u2019s why you\u2019re not supposed to get back into running in August \u2026 in Florida \u2026 when you can melt tar on your forehead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah. Oh yeah \u2026 it\u2019s hot!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spent all summer getting out of shape, so why not pick this perfect, balmy month to start getting back into it? It\u2019s beautiful outside. The trees are bursting into flames. The oxygen molecules boil as you inhale them. Your shoes stick to the pavement if you stand too long in one place. And all around you, people can be heard saying: \u201cThat poor moron is gonna\u2019 die. Look away from the running dead man!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Welcome to August.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It occurred to me on one of these runs that we true Floridians \u2013 not exactly God\u2019s gift to the IQ farm \u2013 never quite remember just how bad August gets. Because we\u2019re Floridians! We like to shrug it off and say things like, \u201cHeat? Ha! I spoon it on my cereal and eat it for \u2026 wait \u2026 which meal is that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We revel in the heat. We excel in the heat. We wear it like a badge of honor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then we get to August, remember how miserable it is and wonder why we chose to live in THIS state when people in other parts of the world are wearing light sweaters and saying things like, \u201cBuffy, darling, can you throw another log on the fire before the guests come over for crudit\u00e9s? We don\u2019t want them to catch chill.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Man, I wanna\u2019 \u201ccatch chill\u201d and eat August crudit\u00e9s!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I always have to remind myself that it\u2019s not just \u201chot.\u201d It\u2019s AUGUST hot! And there are a few things even us cooked-like-boiled-crab Floridians need to be reminded not to do this time of year. You know, as the chili-pepper heat of summer comes upon us. Dangerous things like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t walk your dog after 9 a.m. You ever wonder what your dog was thinking when she chewed up your favorite slippers? I\u2019ll tell you: \u201cDON\u2019T WALK ME AFTER 9 A.M. IN AUGUST!!! I\u2019m gonna\u2019 maul your remote control next.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 In fact, just don\u2019t walk the dog. I mean, have you ever seen a dog who actually WANTS to go outside in August? They\u2019re like, \u201cListen, man, just teach me how to use the toilet like the dog on the Internet. My toenails melted last time.\u201d If your dog doesn\u2019t want to go, don\u2019t force the issue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t grill. Summer always seems like the ideal time to take back your backyard, standing out there with some grill utensils like a proud explorer who just discovered Albuquerque. But remember this: Albuquerque is hot. REALLY hot. And the guy who discovered it died 10 minutes later from heat exhaustion \u2026 because it was after 9 a.m. Plus, standing next to a 500-degree grill when it\u2019s already 500 degrees out is not only a waste of propane, but also bad for your pores. They melt! A better solution: Throw a couple of seasoned chicken breasts on the hood of your car and they\u2019ll be ready in 15 minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t try to weed the yard. If you\u2019re lucky, you will regain consciousness in time to notice that your child is digging a hole beside you after determining it\u2019s too hot to drag you inside and much easier just to bury you next to the milkweed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t plan major outside projects of any sort. I always do. Fence repair. Some rotten wood on the hot water heater shed. Cleaning the windows and porch. Taking the garbage out. But I\u2019m out there for 5 minutes and so much sweat evaporates off of me that it spawns a thunderstorm. And I\u2019m deathly afraid of lightning. So, delay to the fall so you don\u2019t get struck by lightning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Don\u2019t think, \u201cBoy, wouldn\u2019t it be nice to finally open the windows and let a little fresh air in.\u201d Don\u2019t do it! This is what weather experts refer to as \u201cheat tsunami.\u201d Emergency responders find these poor people pressed up against a back door begging for popsicles and some help turning the AC back on. \u2022 If you hear anyone, anywhere, at any time say something along the lines of, \u201cCome on, man! What are you complaining about? It\u2019s just a little heat. It\u2019s August! We\u2019re Floridians. We live for this kind of stuff! Woohoo!\u201d get away from them. Get away from them QUICK! They will either burst into the flames like the rest of Florida\u2019s beautiful trees, or they\u2019ll be attacked by their dog, who will be screaming, \u201cWhy would you take me for a walk after 9 a.m.?!? You know my toenails are prone to melting!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Oh \u2026 right! So, that\u2019s why you\u2019re not supposed to get back into running in August \u2026 in Florida \u2026 when you can melt tar on your forehead. <\/p>\n
Yeah. Oh yeah \u2026 it\u2019s hot! <\/p>\n
I spent all summer getting out of shape, so why not pick this perfect, balmy month to start getting back into it? It\u2019s beautiful outside. The trees are bursting into flames. The oxygen molecules boil as you inhale them. Your shoes stick to the pavement if you stand too long in one place. And all around you, people can be heard saying: \u201cThat poor moron is gonna\u2019 die. Look away from the running dead man!\u201d <\/p>\n
Welcome to August. <\/p>\n
It occurred to me on one of these runs that we true Floridians \u2013 not exactly God\u2019s gift to the IQ farm \u2013 never quite remember just how bad August gets. Because we\u2019re Floridians! We like to shrug it off and say things like, \u201cHeat? Ha! I spoon it on my cereal and eat it for \u2026 wait \u2026 which meal is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
We revel in the heat. We excel in the heat. We wear it like a badge of honor. <\/p>\n
And then we get to August, remember how miserable it is and wonder why we chose to live in THIS state when people in other parts of the world are wearing light sweaters and saying things like, \u201cBuffy, darling, can you throw another log on the fire before the guests come over for crudit\u00e9s? We don\u2019t want them to catch chill.\u201d<\/p>\n
Man, I wanna\u2019 \u201ccatch chill\u201d and eat August crudit\u00e9s!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[576,558,563,569],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2121","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2020-nutshells","category-florida","category-houses","category-weather"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2121","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2121"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2121\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2122,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2121\/revisions\/2122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2121"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2121"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2121"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}