And so my yard said unto me, \u201cGo, ye forsaken skunk, for ye shall not tame me. Wasteth not your breath, for I shall not be conquered, or kept at bay. I am the Indomitable Yard. The one who rages in your nightmares like a wild hurricane. The one who can withstand any assault. The one who rises up like the Phoenix to retake what is rightfully mine. And you? You are just a small, sniveling man with a pair of dull pruning shears and a rusty shovel. Lowly wretch! Oh, and by the way: there\u2019s an ant crawling on your neck. You might want to swat that off before \u2026 ulp \u2026 yep, it bit you. Man, you are just a total mess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is what my yard said unto me. It hurt. Both the ant bite, but also the general tone of its voice. Its confidence. It\u2019s arrogance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYe shall not tame me!\u201d Oh, how I shall try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been trying. So many years of trying. We all have. Yards are a constant battle. An ongoing struggle between weeds and vines and mountains of swelling leaves that threaten to avalanche on our houses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For most of us, our yards are the last throwback to a bygone era when we had to battle with Mother Nature for our very survival. And sometimes, even today, our survival still depends upon it. Like when my wife calls out, \u201chave you figured out why the vine keeps growing up through the bathroom floor!?!\u201d only I\u2019m actually sitting on the sofa watching soccer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some yards need only minor tending. Manicuring. The equivalent of going to the nail salon for a \u201cre-apply.\u201d (I\u2019ve never actually been to a nail salon, but these are the things I\u2019m told.) There are people who giddily mow their grass each weekend and say things like, \u201chowdy neighbor\u201d and \u201cbeautiful day, isn\u2019t it?\u201d They\u2019re usually whistling, and their yard work is so minimal that they wear nice clothes to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hate these kinds of people!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They have never known hardship in their lives. They think their 20-minute lawn mow is a joy and cathartic and proof that mankind has triumphed over the elements. They think they know what it is to tame a wild yard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They disgust me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For they know not what it means to hop onto the back of the wild stallion and ride it as it bucks and brays, and ultimately throws you off the side of a cliff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They don\u2019t know the horrible feeling of looking down at a \u201cTo-do\u201d list that reads: \u201cWeed, rake, mow and make the yard look semi-presentable so people stop pointing and asking, \u2018Is that the land that time forgot?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know the list. You know the feeling. You know the dread as spring approaches and you run out of excuses for why you haven\u2019t \u201ctried\u201d to bring the yard back under control: The holidays. The cold. The rain. The fact that there are really important soccer games this time of year, and a pantry full of tortilla chips because it\u2019s a pandemic and you \u201cstocked up!!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But now, there\u2019s really no excuse. Because the weather is turning good, and that giant pile of leaves looks like it could shift at any moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The yard has sensed your weakness. Your absence. And it\u2019s taking advantage. The sun and the rain feeds it. Encourages it. Drives it mad with greed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then you start hearing: \u201cHoney, I can\u2019t see the street anymore. I think the yard has cutoff all our escape routes again. It also swallowed one of the cars. Might be time, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, I suppose it is!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it won\u2019t be easy. You always wait too long. You let it go too far. There is 3 feet of pollen on the porch. Just to get outside you need a snow shovel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your grass? Well, you don\u2019t have grass anymore. It is just one un-ending field of clover with intermittent spikes of a tall weed that looks like a whisker growing out of a witch\u2019s mole. (That\u2019s not what you want to see in your front yard!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You could mow it all down, but your lawnmower hasn\u2019t been started in three months and the fuel has literally congealed in the tank. The carburetor hacks and wheezes smoke as you pull on the starter cord.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The clover isn\u2019t even your biggest problem. Since summer, your yard has managed the distinction of being the first in history to accumulate every type of weed that has ever been documented, including two that scientists have yet to identify. The Guinness Book of World Records would come, but they can\u2019t figure out how to get through the clover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The bougainvillea is out of control, and it has sharp teeth. The ponderosa lemon is out of control, and it has sharp fangs. The cat\u2019s claw vine is out of control, and it has cat\u2019s claws and hisses. You\u2019re out there for 5 minutes and you\u2019ve lost a pint of blood and have scars on your face that make you look like a poor pirate-gardener.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But you keep fighting. And after much work \u2013 after much hardship and blood-loss \u2013 ye have brought some semblance of order and respectability to your yard. It isn\u2019t much, but it\u2019s something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Only, you can still hear it snickering at you. It says, \u201cYe have not tamed me. I am the Indomitable Yard. The one who rages in your nightmares like a wild hurricane. You may have won this day, but I come back. I ALWAYS come back! Oh, and btw: your wife is yelling at you because you forgot the vine in the bathroom again. Ye small, sniveling man!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
And so my yard said unto me, \u201cGo, ye forsaken skunk, for ye shall not tame me. Wasteth not your breath, for I shall not be conquered, or kept at bay. I am the Indomitable Yard. The one who rages in your nightmares like a wild hurricane. The one who can withstand any assault. The one who rises up like the Phoenix to retake what is rightfully mine. And you? You are just a small, sniveling man with a pair of dull pruning shears and a rusty shovel. Lowly wretch! Oh, and by the way: there\u2019s an ant crawling on your neck. You might want to swat that off before \u2026 ulp \u2026 yep, it bit you. Man, you are just a total mess.\u201d<\/p>\n
This is what my yard said unto me. It hurt. Both the ant bite, but also the general tone of its voice. Its confidence. It\u2019s arrogance. <\/p>\n
\u201cYe shall not tame me!\u201d Oh, how I shall try. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been trying. So many years of trying. We all have. Yards are a constant battle. An ongoing struggle between weeds and vines and mountains of swelling leaves that threaten to avalanche on our houses. <\/p>\n
For most of us, our yards are the last throwback to a bygone era when we had to battle with Mother Nature for our very survival. And sometimes, even today, our survival still depends upon it. Like when my wife calls out, \u201chave you figured out why the vine keeps growing up through the bathroom floor!?!\u201d only I\u2019m actually sitting on the sofa watching soccer. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[578,558,563,569],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2203","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2021-nutshells","category-florida","category-houses","category-weather"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2203","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2203"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2203\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2206,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2203\/revisions\/2206"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2203"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2203"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2203"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}