I am the type of person who misinterprets things. This is especially true when it comes to health. This means that when I feel a small twinge of something in my back, I automatically assume the worst. One of three things usually: 1) Kidney failure, 2) untreatable cancer, or 3) proof that aliens abducted me, inserted some kind of tracking device and it\u2019s now causing both kidney failure AND untreatable cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The triple whammy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They didn\u2019t mean to do it, I should add. They thought they were tagging me like a bear for research. But it turns out that thanks to an online bargain, they got some cheap, knock-off trackers made with toxic materials. And this is the result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, my hypochondriac imagination does get a bit elaborate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What I do NOT think is that maybe I just tweaked a muscle. Or that maybe something simpler, or more realistic, is at play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This was the state of me recently. Back hurting. Frantic updates made to my will. Wondering which court had jurisdiction when my family goes to sue the extraterrestrials.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Only, it seems I haven\u2019t been alone in experiencing back pain. Because at about the same time I came across an article on the Internet with a headline that read: \u201cHow to cure back pain \u2026 which is not caused by aliens.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The painful truth was that I had become a \u201csloucher.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know \u2026 a sloucher. That thing your mother warned you against. That if you didn\u2019t sit-up at the table, you would grow up to be a broken-down geezer with a crooked spine and a failing kidney and aliens wondering why they bothered wasting a tracker on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It can be caused by a lot of sitting \u2013 been doing a lot of that the past year \u2013 but even worse, bad posture while doing it. The kind of posture that is best likened to a blob of gelatin that drank too much the night before and is now oozing toward the floor. Such a slouch that you are almost horizontal in your office chair. That your spine resembles letters of the Chinese alphabet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dang, I hate when my mother is right!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This article chalked it all up to what it called: Anterior pelvic tilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOH NO!\u201d I thought. \u201cThis is worse than the alien thing!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It has a horrible sound to it, doesn\u2019t it? Like \u201cdouble quadruple bypass\u201d or \u201cgingivitis\u201d or \u201cremedial toe fungus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anterior \u2026 pelvic \u2026 tilt!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First off, I know very little about the pelvis, or what it does. My entire knowledgebase is that if you tilt it in polite company, you should stop. As it could get you arrested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Apparently the pelvis is important, though. This article said it helps in walking, running and lifting things. For some reason, it also plays a critical role in attaining proper posture. Only, its fatal flaw is that it listens to your mother even less than you do, and when you slouch, it tends to tilt down. All because you don\u2019t say things like, \u201cmind your posture, Pelvis!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As it tilts, your belly droops, your spine curves and your back screams in pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But, my good people, it can all be solved \u2026 without even mentioning this to your mom. (My mother doesn\u2019t even read my column, so your secret is safe!) All you need to do is learn how to straighten out your pelvis, which might be the strangest thing I\u2019ve EVER typed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the past couple of weeks I\u2019ve been working on my posture while sitting, standing and walking. All trying to tilt my pelvis forward, or up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You have to be conscious about it, and do it all the time. To remind myself while walking around, I repeat little sayings over and over again in sing-song fashion. I say, \u201cTilt the pelvis, tilt the pelvis. Make it bend, make it bend \u2026\u201d Unfortunately, I say these things out loud. People hear them and shield their children\u2019s ears, or cross the street altogether.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or I\u2019ll be having a conversation while working on my \u201ctilt.\u201d Someone will inevitably notice and then say, \u201cWould you mind NOT gyrating your pelvis at me? This is a church, for goodness sake!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m now also trying to do exercises to help me strengthen and re-align my pelvis. Things like squats, glute bridges and planks. I don\u2019t know what any of these things are, except that you can\u2019t say any of them in polite company without people staring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Planks work the ab muscles in your stomach. They work the abs by sending what feels like 30,000 volts of electricity through your stomach muscles, causing you to crumple into a fetal position. There your family will find you, sit you up and ask, \u201cDid you try to do a plank again? How long did you make it this time?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTwo seconds,\u201d I reply. \u201cThen I collapsed on my nose. I think it\u2019s broken.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it seems to be working. The pain I was feeling in my lower back is completely gone. Even more exciting, my pelvis is straightening up. (Dang, that\u2019s awkward to say!) I look less like a man who is trying to smuggle a bear around his waist. My abs and glutes might also be benefitting. Although the burning pain from the exercises is too excruciating for me to bend over and check.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most importantly, I no longer fear that I\u2019m dying from some kind of alien tracker probe poisoning my kidneys. And I won\u2019t ever have to hear my mother tell me to stop \u201cslouching.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am the type of person who misinterprets things. This is especially true when it comes to health. This means that when I feel a small twinge of something in my back, I automatically assume the worst. One of three things usually: 1) Kidney failure, 2) untreatable cancer, or 3) proof that aliens abducted me, inserted some kind of tracking device and it\u2019s now causing both kidney failure AND untreatable cancer. <\/p>\n
The triple whammy!<\/p>\n
They didn\u2019t mean to do it, I should add. They thought they were tagging me like a bear for research. But it turns out that thanks to an online bargain, they got some cheap, knock-off trackers made with toxic materials. And this is the result. <\/p>\n
Yes, my hypochondriac imagination does get a bit elaborate. <\/p>\n
What I do NOT think is that maybe I just tweaked a muscle. Or that maybe something simpler, or more realistic, is at play. <\/p>\n
This was the state of me recently. Back hurting. Frantic updates made to my will. Wondering which court had jurisdiction when my family goes to sue the extraterrestrials. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[578,561,557,574],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2021-nutshells","category-family","category-getting-old-er-older","category-health"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2227"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2227\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2228,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2227\/revisions\/2228"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}