Ah, Labor Day! That annual holiday celebrating the hard work of so many men and women. And to honor them, we get to sit on our duffs and do absolutely nothing. Like me. Three straight days with nothing planned, prescribed or penciled-in, aside from sitting down with a good book in a comfortable chair and a beer the temperature of an arctic ice flow. Almost too cold \u2026 until I remember I live in Florida, and there is no such thing as \u201ctoo cold!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, I just plop down, flip open my page and \u2026 huh. That\u2019s interesting. There. See it? Hanging from the ceiling fan. Swinging from some translucent rope. Like Tarzan on a vine. Is that a \u2026 SPIDER!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh, well, I\u2019ll just have to take care of that. I can\u2019t sit here and read a book knowing that\u2019s right there above me. I might try to concentrate. To tune it out. To say things like, \u201cCold beer makes problems go away.\u201d But I know arachnid Tarzan would still be up there, watching me. Knowing that my ambivalence is a sign of my weakness. And that he can just invite all of his friends over to laugh at me and mock me and build webs that spell, \u201cYou look ridiculous in your little L.L. Bean slippers, silly human with only two arms.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No, this won\u2019t do. I have to take care of it. I\u2019ll get the ladder from the hall closet, that\u2019s what I\u2019ll do. I\u2019ll just \u2026 hmmm. Um, that\u2019s a little unexpected, isn\u2019t it? You hear that? How the hall closet hinge squeaks like that. Squeals, really. Ear-piercing! That\u2019s new, alright. Can\u2019t have that \u2013 ear-piercing squeals. What if it\u2019s in the middle of the night? Go in there to get the card table \u2013 because I just have to do a puzzle \u2013 and \u201cERREECKEREEEKEREEEEE!\u201d Hear that? It\u2019s horrible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
OK, I better take care of that. The WD-40 is in the shed. Spider can wait. This will just take a moment. Better get that out first and \u2026 Oh Lord! How did this happen!?! An avalanche of pecan shells. Stupid squirrels! How did they even find so many pecans? And why would they store the leftover shells in the rafters of my shed? They don\u2019t live in the shed, and best I can tell, they don\u2019t eat in there. They have a whole yard they could have thrown them in. Did they cart them in here like it\u2019s some kind of squirrel garbage dump!?! My shed is so sad and lowly that while squirrels won\u2019t live in it, they WILL use it to toss all their filth into? Well, I have never been SO insulted in my life! Oh, this just won\u2019t do. Those selfish, un-thoughtful, ungrateful little tree rats!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now I\u2019ve got to get the broom and the dust pan. All the way in the laundry room. And then I\u2019ll \u2026 are you kidding me?!? A pile of termite poop? The size of the Pyramids of Giza!?! Here on my laundry room floor. At least the squirrels had the common decency to go \u2026 wait a minute! DO THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN MY SHED, TOO!?! Never mind \u2026 these hooligan, wood-eating heathens just think they can do their business all about my house. \u201cSay, you know what will be funny? Let\u2019s eat up all this chap\u2019s wood and then relieve ourselves on his laundry room floor. I mean, he\u2019s going to step in it for sure. Won\u2019t that be hysterical? Har-har-har!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, I\u2019ll show them. Got my special termite-killing spray. The kind that if you squirt it with this special straw into a hole full of termites, it will foam up and kill the whole lot of them. Keep them from laughing at me. Only, who has ever got that straw on properly? Or got it lined up with the termite hole? No, it always shoots back out \u2026 squirting me in the eye! Remember that? How it burns? How I started seeing spots? Termite-shaped spots?!? And when I read the warnings on the can, It explicitly said: \u201cABSOLUTELY DO NOT GET IN YOUR EYES!!! IT CAUSES BLINDNESS AND THE TERMITES WILL LAUGH AT YOU.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wish I had read that first. Better get the goggles before trying that again. Still don\u2019t have any peripheral vision. Back to the hall closet, past the dangling spider doing his best Tarzan yell, and open the squeaking door, and reach behind all of the things I promised myself I would organize and put away. So many things! Look at them all! Screaming to return to their rightful places. I can\u2019t just ignore them and not \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Which reminds me: I haven\u2019t written my column yet this week. That thing is due! On Labor Day. Shoot! Forgot about all this other stuff. I better get crackin\u2019. Sit down at the computer and come up with something. Labor on Labor Day, I suppose. Isn\u2019t that the way it always is? Always something to do. Calling to us. Demanding our attention. Anyway, there\u2019s always next year. Won\u2019t be anything planned, prescribed or penciled-in. I\u2019m sure of it. My book will collect a little dust, and my beer will be a little warmer, but at least that spider won\u2019t around to watch me. (Unless, of course, he has kin.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ah, Labor Day! That annual holiday celebrating the hard work of so many men and women. And to honor them, we get to sit on our duffs and do absolutely nothing. Like me. Three straight days with nothing planned, prescribed or penciled-in, aside from sitting down with a good book in a comfortable chair and a beer the temperature of an arctic ice flow. Almost too cold \u2026 until I remember I live in Florida, and there is no such thing as \u201ctoo cold!\u201d<\/p>\n
So, I just plop down, flip open my page and \u2026 huh. That\u2019s interesting. There. See it? Hanging from the ceiling fan. Swinging from some translucent rope. Like Tarzan on a vine. Is that a \u2026 SPIDER!!!<\/p>\n
Oh, well, I\u2019ll just have to take care of that. I can\u2019t sit here and read a book knowing that\u2019s right there above me. I might try to concentrate. To tune it out. To say things like, \u201cCold beer makes problems go away.\u201d But I know arachnid Tarzan would still be up there, watching me. Knowing that my ambivalence is a sign of my weakness. And that he can just invite all of his friends over to laugh at me and mock me and build webs that spell, \u201cYou look ridiculous in your little L.L. Bean slippers, silly human with only two arms.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[578,556,563],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2293","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2021-nutshells","category-holidays","category-houses"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2293"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2294,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293\/revisions\/2294"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2293"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2293"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2293"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}