If I am the cause, I apologize. If it is me who has ruined the environment, poisoned the drinking supply, caused a tear in the ozone layer like a run in stockings, and dried up the schools of tuna who used to swim the oceans free, then to future generations I say I\u2019m sorry. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m a bad man who doesn\u2019t follow directions. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s spring, so I\u2019m out fighting bugs, fungus, grubs, clover, root rot, jumping circus beetles, a clan of armed, horse-riding Turks and strange crop circles in my grass that read: \u201cLand the mother ship here!\u201d<\/p>\n
Actually, it\u2019s mainly just clover, and I\u2019ve waged war on it with some clover killer I wrangled up down at the hardware store. <\/p>\n
Not that I know what I\u2019m doing, and certainly the packaging is no help. Look, there\u2019s only so much of these directions and warnings you can read on a bottle of pesticide or weed killer before you throw up your hands and shout, \u201cMama mia, that\u2019s a lot of meatballs!\u201d<\/p>\n
I look for big warnings \u2014 warnings I can relate to: \u201cHas been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats AS WELL AS extra limbs growing from their rumps, talking like Michael Jackson and giving money to the IRS.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh, man. Better wear gloves!<\/p>\n
Not that I pay attention much. I mix these things into such strange concoctions using highly questionable containers and sprayers that just the week before held other high-threat toxins. And I wonder why blue puffs of smoke like laughing dragons race off into the atmosphere.<\/p>\n
I never get the mix right. You need physics and algebra, and I failed third grade math. It tells you, \u201cFor 500 square feet of yard at a 10 percent grade with a train arriving from Hyannis at 3:22 p.m., take the square root of 14 and multiply it by 3 oz. Then add 1 gallon of water and shake well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, I don\u2019t have a gallon sprayer. I have some sprayer that only holds 32 ounces. So figure that mix out, Mr. Smartypants.<\/p>\n
I consult the New York Public Library Desk Reference for measurement conversions and find that I must first turn ounces into pints, then into kegs. Then it tells me to multiply by 6, add a teaspoon of sugar, convert it into Chinese ounces and voila! The answer is 3. <\/p>\n
The answer is 3? Three what? I don\u2019t know what the heck I\u2019ve figured out. Miffed, I just start pouring into the container. No idea how much, no concern for what my actions may bring. I pour until the fumes start to tickle my nose and I get woozy. <\/p>\n
I add water, shake vigorously and attack my yard. <\/p>\n
By this point, the substance has eaten through the plastic and is running down my legs. Ooops! The hair is instantly evaporated, and that can\u2019t be a good thing.<\/p>\n
Recently, I\u2019ve started using a sprayer that attaches to my garden hose. I\u2019ve met with considerable difficulties from the Yard Gods who laugh at me. For starters, I always seem to spring a leak that sprays highly toxic poison over my, how should I say?, private region. And then I spray the yard only to realize I\u2019ve painted myself into a corner. Coming to this realization is quite demoralizing, and with the yard sizzling from the toxins I\u2019ve sprayed on it, I plop down and wait for it to dry. <\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry, honey,\u201d I call out to my wife. \u201cIt says in three weeks the grass will be walkable again. Until then, I\u2019ll just gnaw on this piece of tree bark.\u201d <\/p>\n
She is wearing a gas mask and has poison control on the line. <\/p>\n
I will say this: My clover is dying and my grass does appear to be alive. The yard\u2019s looking up. I\u2019ll take some comfort in that, as well as my measurement skills. But if you\u2019ll excuse me, I need to go trim the fingernails on that extra limb that appears to be growing from my backside. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If I am the cause, I apologize. If it is me who has ruined the environment, poisoned the drinking supply, caused a tear in the ozone layer like a run in stockings, and dried up the schools of tuna who used to swim the oceans free, then to future generations I say I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m a bad man who doesn\u2019t follow directions. It\u2019s spring, so I\u2019m out fighting bugs, fungus, grubs, clover, root rot, jumping circus beetles, a clan of armed, horse-riding Turks and strange crop circles in my grass that read: \u201cLand the mother ship here!\u201d Actually, it\u2019s mainly just clover, and I\u2019ve waged war on it with some clover killer I wrangled up down at the hardware store. Not that I know what I\u2019m doing, and certainly the packaging is no help. Look, there\u2019s only so much of these directions and warnings you can read on a bottle of pesticide or weed killer before you throw up your hands and shout, \u201cMama mia, that\u2019s a lot of meatballs!\u201d I look for big warnings \u2014 warnings I can relate to: \u201cHas been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats AS WELL AS extra limbs growing from their rumps, talking like Michael Jackson and giving money to the IRS.\u201d Oh, man. Better wear gloves! Not that I pay attention much. I mix these things into such strange concoctions using highly questionable containers and sprayers that just the week before held other high-threat toxins. And I wonder why blue puffs of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-51","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/51","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=51"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/51\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=51"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=51"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=51"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}