{"id":796,"date":"2012-01-20T18:08:50","date_gmt":"2012-01-20T22:08:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/?p=796"},"modified":"2012-01-22T18:33:08","modified_gmt":"2012-01-22T22:33:08","slug":"coming-to-grips-with-the-mysteries-of-the-dog-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/?p=796","title":{"rendered":"Coming to grips with the mysteries of the dog world"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>It\u2019s only been about half a year we\u2019ve lived without a dog. A half year out of pretty much my whole life. Yet in that half a year it seems I have forgotten about every \u2026 let\u2019s just call it \u201ceccentricity\u201d \u2026 that makes a dog a dog.<\/p>\n

I wrote something down the other day: \u201cthe difference between eccentric and crazy is measured in millimeters.\u201d And it certainly applies here.<\/p>\n

How have I forgotten all of these things? That dogs are unique, strange, complicated and totally quirky animals.
\n
\nThat there are so many great mysteries of the dog world \u2014 most of which I\u2019m slowly rediscovering and desperately trying to understand again \u2026 not to mention come to grips with. Mysteries like these:<\/p>\n

Why is it in a house full of hardwood floors \u2014 in fact, there\u2019s only one rug right now \u2014 a dog will travel great distances, through every room, over barbed wire fences, across counties, rivers, equators \u2014 even a mountain range! \u2014 just to get to a rug if she feels the urge to throw up. It\u2019s like a pilgrimage. A great calling. \u201cCome to the Holy Land where it\u2019s soft on your feet and you can take a nap afterward.\u201d<\/p>\n

It causes phone calls from wives that sound like scripts from a war movie: \u201cI tried to stop it. I saw it coming. Heard the rumbling. In fact, we locked eyes and she let me into her soul \u2014 her SOUL! I saw everything. That it was coming and that I needed to move her. But with nails like \u2026 well \u2026 nails, she dug into the rug and \u2026 oh, it was just horrible.<\/p>\n

Leaves and grass and I think part of a bike tire. Anyway, I need you to go to the store and get a flamethrower.\u201d Why when a dog scratches her ear does it sounds like a cross between a pig, a baby crying and a slightly asthmatic demon?<\/p>\n

Have you heard these sounds? Awful, horrific, terrifying sounds. Not at all painful. If translated, it would probably resemble an old, cranky man cussing. Listen carefully next time: \u201cDamn blarmy blaggin\u2019 frag-a-lackin jambalaya \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

And they only do it in the middle of the night, causing you to jerk up in bed trembling. Screaming about how you have to go Google \u201cexorcist.\u201d Then you see it\u2019s just a little mongrel with a foot buried deep in her ear canal and a look on her face that says, \u201cWhat\u2019s your problem? I\u2019ve got an itch!\u201d<\/p>\n

Why is it a dog won\u2019t scratch all day \u2014 not a single scratch! \u2014 but come 5 in the morning, it\u2019s like she\u2019s been attacked by ants and has to go to town? Five in the morning!<\/p>\n

And why is it the only dog sound worse than scratching an ear is licking their hindquarters and (I HATE this word) crotch? If you have a dog, you know what I\u2019m referring to. That blood-curdling slurping, sucking, sloshing sound. It\u2019s like a drunk elephant licking a popsicle. And somehow that back leg pit has a way of amplifying the sound. At 5 in the morning you have to bury your head under the pillow and bang on it with your fist to drown it out.<\/p>\n

Again the dog sits there on the floor staring at you with a look on her face that says, \u201cDude, you have GOT to relax! Maybe you need more rest.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why can they be so good, so trustable and dare I say \u201cpure\u201d that you\u2019re willing to give them the keys to the car, share passwords to the retirement accounts, and even leave packages of ground beef sitting on the edge of a kitchen counter? What! And then why are we surprised when we come back and find what looks like a shark bite on a corner and a dog with a chunk of Styrofoam stuck to her head.<\/p>\n

Why is it all worth it at the end of the day when you get that dog greeting \u2014 that I\u2019m so excited to see you I just have to pee all over the place greeting that only a dog could give? And why, oh why, does it always have to be right there \u2014 right there! \u2014 on the only rug in the house?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s only been about half a year we\u2019ve lived without a dog. A half year out of pretty much my whole life. Yet in that half a year it seems I have forgotten about every \u2026 let\u2019s just call it \u201ceccentricity\u201d \u2026 that makes a dog a dog. I wrote something down the other day: \u201cthe difference between eccentric and crazy is measured in millimeters.\u201d And it certainly applies here. How have I forgotten all of these things? That dogs are unique, strange, complicated and totally quirky animals.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[317],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2012-nutshells"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=796"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/796\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":800,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/796\/revisions\/800"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}