Great men \u2014 brilliant men \u2014 have often speculated about time machines. Devices that might take us backward or forward to our past or our future. But why hasn\u2019t anyone explored the idea of a time-slowing machine?<\/p>\n
This occurred to me the other day after walking my daughter to school. As I strolled back carrying her scooter, I marveled at the Christmas blowup toys in someone\u2019s front yard. \u201cAlready out!?!\u201d I thought. \u201cHow can this be? It\u2019s too early.\u201d<\/p>\n
But it isn\u2019t. Thanksgiving is almost here, and that means we\u2019re locked and loaded, buckled up and bundled in with a heavy foot on the gas, headed for Christmas.
\n
\nDrink some eggnog, folks, or you\u2019ll miss it.<\/p>\n
As I stared at the partially deflated toys, it occurred to me that my daughter will be seven this Christmas. And seven sounds a lot like one of those coming ages when you don\u2019t want to see Christmas lights anymore.<\/p>\n
GASP!<\/p>\n
That annual tradition of driving around town in a Christmas light delirium, desperately searching \u2014 like some kind of illumination junkie \u2014 for the next great light fix. I try to catch the look on my daughter\u2019s face in the rearview mirror as her bottom jaw falls out. Of course, I also forget I\u2019m driving and we nearly become part of a display.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry. Don\u2019t mind me. Just drunk on lights and holiday cheer. Next good rain will wash out those tire ruts in your yard.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when it occurred to me time machines are no good. I don\u2019t want to go back and relive the past. I want more time for the \u201cright now.\u201d To get more of the present. To slow it down.<\/p>\n
Have there been scientific studies to explain this? Why as we grow up it all starts to speed up? Is it because we\u2019re taller, and closer to the sun?<\/p>\n
I have another theory, and I\u2019m going to try it out this year. It all comes from this notion: If you don\u2019t want something to come \u2014 a bill, your next dentist appointment, Monday \u2014 then it\u2019s upon you in a flash. But the more you want something, the longer it takes to come. Witness the teapot. Stand over it, anxious for it to boil and it won\u2019t. Physics dictates those little water molecules will actually come together to play a practical joke on you. \u201cDude, if we don\u2019t boil soon, what do you bet he literally POPS?\u201d<\/p>\n
I call it the \u201cTime Sucks Paradox.\u201d<\/p>\n
So this year, both for science and to prolong the season, I am embarking on a grand experiment to slow down time. And I encourage you to try with me. If you do, you need to get a white lab coat, some goggles and some chemistry beakers \u2026 just for effect. Keep a little notebook with observations and let your hair go nuts like Einstein\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s how we\u2019ll do it: Like a little kid \u2014 a desperate, anxious, unbearable, I-would-sell-my-parents-to-the-pirates-if-time-would-speed-up kid \u2014 you have to want Christmas to come so bad that you fear your butt will fall off. That\u2019s the secret, OK. That your BUTT WILL FALL OFF! Because that\u2019s the way a little kid thinks. That patience is for fools, and that some body part will inexplicably come unattached if they don\u2019t get what they want right away. But, remember? As a kid, the more you wanted Christmas, the longer it took. See? It will work!<\/p>\n
But you can\u2019t just say it \u2014 you have to live it! Every morning you have to wake up, rollover to your loved one and ask, \u201cIs it Christmas morning yet?!?\u201d<\/p>\n
You have to pout and stomp your feet and generally make a complete jerk of yourself in front of respectable people. In meetings at work you have to say things like, \u201cThis is just drivel! I have more important things to do \u2026 like watching the clock.\u201d Then storm out.<\/p>\n
Every bit of your energy, every ounce of your being, every waking minute of your day must be expended on a grand quest to speed up time.<\/p>\n
In turn, and if my theory holds \u2014 done a LOT of calculations on this one, folks \u2014 time will actually slow to a crawl. Pretty good, huh?<\/p>\n
We will be able to enjoy the season at a reasonable pace, holding onto those precious moments that normally slip through in a flash. This might be the solution to the age-old riddle of time.<\/p>\n
So, start right now and repeat after me: \u201cDang! Isn\u2019t it Christmas already! Better get here soon \u2026 or my butt will fall off!\u201d<\/p>\n
Good luck, fellow scientists, and here\u2019s hoping for more time this holiday season.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Great men \u2014 brilliant men \u2014 have often speculated about time machines. Devices that might take us backward or forward to our past or our future. But why hasn\u2019t anyone explored the idea of a time-slowing machine? This occurred to me the other day after walking my daughter to school. As I strolled back carrying her scooter, I marveled at the Christmas blowup toys in someone\u2019s front yard. \u201cAlready out!?!\u201d I thought. \u201cHow can this be? It\u2019s too early.\u201d But it isn\u2019t. Thanksgiving is almost here, and that means we\u2019re locked and loaded, buckled up and bundled in with a heavy foot on the gas, headed for Christmas.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[317,8],"tags":[29,432,431],"class_list":["post-929","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-2012-nutshells","category-parenthoodandchildren","tag-children","tag-slowing-down-time","tag-time"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/929","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=929"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/929\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":930,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/929\/revisions\/930"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=929"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=929"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nutshellcity.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=929"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}