Thanksgiving is on the horizon, and to get everyone ready for the cooking and the horde of family members who will complain about your food, question all of your hard work and then spend the whole day fighting like a pack of drunken honey badgers, I’ve put together this quiz. Answers at the bottom.
1. How do you know when the turkey is ready?
A. It reaches an internal temperature of 865 degrees.
B. The ice chunk in the body cavity finally melts.
C. You get tired of guests asking when it’s going to be ready so you just start carving it, even though the juices aren’t running clear.
D. You have a “hunch” or a “good feeling about it.”
2. At what time is it appropriate to open the first bottle of wine?
A. 5:15 a.m.
B. 5:30 a.m.
C. 5:45 a.m.
D. After the 52nd time your mother calls asking when she is supposed to come over.
3. What is the best way to defuse family tension at the dinner table?
A. Tap dance routine.
B. Faking appendicitis.
C. Blurting out as loud as you can: “IT WAS COL. MUSTARD IN THE PARLOR WITH THE PIPE!!!”
D. Demand that all family members submit to genetic testing to prove that you are related by blood.
4. If someone says they really do like lumps in their gravy, do they mean …
A. You’re an embarrassment of a son.
B. They’re already starting to succumb to the effects of botulism.
C. They’re strange people and should be watched closely with your nice silverware.
D. All of the above.
5. What’s the proper way to begin a Thanksgiving toast?
A. Four score and just 12 months ago …
B. If I catch any of you mangy devils rooting around my house …
C. Lord, please don’t let the young ones grow up to be like these folks …
D. Say one word about how the turkey is still frozen and I I’ll …
6. How do you know your guests really had a good time?
A. They peel out of the driveway when they leave.
B. They say, “It is SOOO nice that Thanksgiving only comes once a year.”
C. They ask for a recommendation on a good, reasonable local hospital.
D. They just shake their heads as they leave.
Answer key: 1. B, 2. D, 3. C, 4. D, 5. C, 6. B
Also published on Medium.