It was one of those headlines that will catch a man’s attention.
It was also one of those headlines that will make a man think. And what it should make us think is: “What’s wrong with us?!?”
Or at least some of us. The insane ones. The ones who think it isn’t crazy, or a joke. Maybe a sign that women are clearly the more intelligent of the species. I mean, if that wasn’t already obvious. But here’s more proof!
The headline in Esquire read: “8 Percent of Men Believe They Can Beat a Lion in a Fist Fight, According to New Survey.”
I have read the headline over several times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from bad cheese. Or victim of a prank. Or, most importantly, to reflect on whether I myself was one of the 8% of certifiable dum-dums walking around waiting – just hoping! – for the opportunity to prove themselves.
Newsflash: I’m not.
I would be eaten on a poppy seed water cracker while trying to reason with the King of the Jungle. “Nice kitty. Wouldn’t you rather devour that nice little squirrel over there?”
The story was about an actual survey done by YouGov. I have to include “actual” because if you’re like me, you often wonder if surveys like this are real, or why anyone would dream them up. Maybe someone got tired of all the serious political polls about Trump or Social Security shortcomings. Maybe boredom. Maybe someone was joking at a meeting and everyone thought he was serious.
Survey Guy 1: “Ah, jeez, another poll about Jan. 6?!? Hells bells, why don’t we just ask people if they can beat up a lion?” Survey Guy 2: “Hmm. You know, you might be on to something! And then we can ask whether they think lions had anything to do with Jan. 6.”
I was very intrigued by this survey. Enough that I clicked on the story, and then through to the poll itself. (I then wasted all of 15 minutes typing it up into this column. I have lots of time on my hands.)
It led me to think about very deep and serious questions like: How stupid do the poor poll takers feel when they have to straight-faced explain that, no, they’re not joking, and no, they’re not trying to trick someone into buying a timeshare. Yes, they really DO want to know how you think you would stack up against a crocodile or a kangaroo or maybe an gingivitis-ridden egret.
Even worse must be when they have to record a real-life American so sure of himself that he nods proudly and remarks: “No weapons involved? Yep, I could take a lion. Not a whole pride, mind you, but definitely a loner.”
To be fair, not everyone felt this way. Only … uh … 8 percent.
There were other causes for concern in the survey, too. For instance, while a more realistic 92% were fairly sure they would be mincemeat in the face of a lion, there is also a vast majority of our countrymen who don’t think they could win even against an eagle. An EAGLE! I mean, what would an eagle do?!? Carry a human off and feed him to his children? Even worse, only when they started asking about critters like medium-sized dogs, a goose, a house cat and a rat did Americans’ feel confident enough to say they could win. We are a country of extremes.
Interestingly, 29% of men don’t even think they could beat a goose. I’m afraid I probably fall into that category. Not because I’m weak, per se. (“Per se” is Latin for, “I AM weak and a goose would also steal my credit cards.”)
Rather, I wouldn’t even know how to fight a goose. How would you go about it? That’s what the poll should have asked: “If you had to fight a goose, what fighting style would you use?” Um, I don’t know. Boxing? Karate? Beak attack? Maybe a neck-lock?
Besides, geese are mean. And quick. They’re not going to stand around trying to figure out how to attack you. They’re just going to aim for that special “male zone” and make off with our wallet.
Back to the lion … think of this: these 8% of men – they’re out there! Walking around. Just waiting for the opportunity. And now that someone has bothered to ask the question, they’re absolutely sure about this. “Honey, I always told you I could fight a lion, and if people are asking the question, then you know it’s gotta’ be possible!”
I love the confidence. The bravado. The intense belief in one’s own abilities and strength. I love these folks!
Who are they? Why do they think this way? What were their childhoods like? Do they chew leather and punch trees? Do they have tattoos that read, “Born to fight lions” and “Kitty going down!”
I’ve never been so confident. Never in a million years could I believe in my own abilities that much. I don’t even think I could die a proud death if attacked by a lion. I would be screaming, “Eat the fat guy over there. He’s juicier!”
So, amen for the 8 percent. You do you. Be proud. And confident. Believe in the impossible. That if the opportunity ever arises, you’ll seize the day. Prove them all wrong. And while you’re at it, ask if the king of the jungle was involved in that Jan. 6 thing so we can get some more political data.