This is the list she gave me. There were two copies of it. Each was hand-written in cursive. One for my brother and one for me. It detailed everything that needed to be done with the four cats and her dog, Lady. It detailed things to be done around the house. All while she had a quick surgical procedure and spent a night in the hospital for observation.
“Observation” is code for a nurse telling my mother, “Ms. Thompson, you need to stop walking around the halls and touching things. Please go back to bed and rest so we don’t have to taser you.”
This is the list my mother gave me. It detailed everything we needed to do:
• Feed the cats and Lady (the dog) – The cats each get half a can of food. Lady gets a little food. Not a lot of food. A little. She is on a diet and needs to lose weight. Open the cans and put the food on the plates. Then put the plates on the floor.
They like to eat in a very particular order. Lady goes on the left by the refrigerator. Alley Cat is next. Place him exactly two feet away, facing east. (DO NOT FACE HIM NORTH. It makes him constipated!) Next put down Missy Daisy. Let her “meow” three times first. But not four. If she meows four times, you must start the entire process over and throw everything away. Buttons is next. Then Little Joe. Watch out for Little Joe. He will try to eat everyone’s food but his own. He thinks you’re trying to poison him. Reassure him that you’re not trying to poison him. He has become very fearful since falling off the roof while chasing a squirrel.
You must put down all five plates of food at exactly the same time. Boys, are you listening: Exactly the same time! This is important. If you don’t put the food down at the same time, they will not eat and there will be a devastating earthquake in the Chinese province of Guangdong. You do not want that.
After you place the food on the floor, go outside so you do not make the little cats nervous. They do not like to be watched while they eat. Go out to the garage. Get the 10-foot step ladder and put it by the kitchen window. Look and make sure Little Joe is not eating everyone else’s food. He is very fearful.
• Kitty litter pans — There are eight kitty litter pans in the utility room, and there are 43 spares in the garage, just in case you need them. I have stockpiled kitty litter in the garage. There should be plenty. I ordered two dump truck loads last week. If you need more, call Kenny. He’s my supplier. His number is in the address book.
The cats will only use a pan once before you have to clean it out. This is very important. If Little Joe does not have a clean pan, he will tear a hole in your grandmother’s flower-print sofa. Or he will smash the crystal in the dining room. He only breaks the expensive stuff. Missy Daisy likes to be petted while she goes in the little pan. Reassure her and tell her she looks pretty. Buttons likes absolute privacy.
• House floodlights — I have marked all of the switches to the house floodlights with red arrows made out of construction paper. I have marked all of the non-floodlight switches with green arrows made of out of construction paper. To find the red arrows, I have placed yellow arrows made out of construction paper on the floor leading to them. Little Joe likes to eat these. Make sure he doesn’t eat these. Turn the floodlights on at night. In the morning, follow the yellow arrows to the red arrows and turn them off. DO NOT flip the switches with the green arrows. I don’t know what those are for.
• TV — Lady only watches MSNBC. She no longer watches CNN. I don’t know what they did to upset her. Make sure you leave the TV on MSNBC and set the volume to 54. Her hearing is not very good.
• Check the messages — Little Joe is expecting a call. Don’t let him use the phone. He will order pizza. WATCH LITTLE JOE CAREFULLY! He has become very sneaky since he fell of the roof chasing that squirrel.