Dear Dog Toy Manufacturer,
I don’t mean to be rude. It’s not my style to jump down people’s throats, call them names or tell them their mother looks like a walrus hooked on margaritas. That’s not me.
But allow me to ask you just one question: What happened in your childhood to make you so mean? So malicious? So diabolical and sadistic? In short, why do you want to make my life miserable?
Over the years, I have supported you. I have spent gobs of money on your dog toys, probably helping to put your kids through college and meat on your table. Yet, you repay me by creating toys that push me to the edge of sanity.
So as a consumer I have a few suggestions I would like you to consider:
1. Stop putting squeakers in dog chew toys — Why in the world are you so hung up on this? Every toy you ever make has a squeaker in it. If it’s a ball, there’s a squeaker. If it’s a bone, there’s a squeaker. I buy dog food and half expect it’s going to squeak.
Enough with the squeakers. If my dog ate coffee grounds and a bag of sugar, washed it down with a bottle of Jack Daniels then shot lightning out of her nose, it still wouldn’t come close to what she’s like when a squeaker toy is in the vicinity.
The worst you’ve ever made is her current favorite: two tennis balls connected like a bone. Each ball has a squeaker, as well as an amplifier to really get that ear-screeching noise up to glass-breaking levels. You topped yourself with this one.
Worst part is, she’s mauled it so bad, the squeaker is mortally wounded. And while you might think that’s a good thing, turns out the only thing worse than a healthy squeaker is a dying squeaker. Every time she bites into it, it gives out a loud piercing shriek that sounds like, “Eee-EEEE-eee! Brother you got me in the kidneys!”
Have you ever stepped on one of these things in the middle of the night when it’s dark and you’re tip-toeing to the bathroom? I wet my pants last night. I thought wild banshees were attacking me. I ran out the door and down two blocks before my wife could calm me down. So, come on.
2. Make dogs toys out of less destructible material — Have you considered steel or concrete? I’m tired of pieces everywhere. And I mean everywhere. The sofa, in the peanut butter, in my underwear drawer. These things come apart too easy.
Not too mention my dog, Chase, swallows about 80 percent of them and my backyard is now littered with uh “deposits” that used to be your toys! They look like little aliens, all multi-colored with green tennis ball fur. I don’t even like going in the backyard anymore.
3. Stop marketing your toys as indestructible — Not only is it false advertising and total malarkey, but it just winds up my dog even more. To her it’s a challenge. I bring home a toy with a sticker that says dogs can’t destroy it, and five minutes later she’s on the Internet buying blow torches and small explosives. She can dismantle the hardiest dog toys you make in seconds.
4. Can’t you make them smell resistant? — The tennis ball bone, for instance, is like a dog saliva sponge, and the smell that now emanates from it is like inhaling barbed wire through your nostrils. The fumes are visible. It has literally curled the whiskers on my dog’s face it smells so bad, and we don’t want it in the house. We’re afraid it’s going to make her teeth fall out. Can odors make a dog’s teeth fall out? Can’t you do something about this? Or give them a flower scent like a nice bathroom candle. Anything would beat this.
Please, I’m begging you, just consider a few of my suggestions. If nothing else, no more of the dang squeakers.