The World Cup is officially underway. Billions across the planet are tuned in, hanging on every pass. Hoping their team will pull off glory.
And then there’s you! Wondering what it’s all about. Why it’s so special. Maybe trying to understand soccer so you can be part of this global madness in Brazil.
To help, I’ve put together a list of top things you should know about the tournament:
• Yes, it is OK if you find yourself staring at a picture of Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo and saying, “Dang! That is one pretty dude!” Because while your mama said YOU are the most handsome boy on the planet, she lied. Cristiano Ronaldo is the most handsome boy on the planet. We just need to get over it and marvel at his rockin’ abs.
• Brazil is not only the host country, but also the favorite to win it all. Brazil is futbol crazy. So if you find yourself in a bar with a bunch of Brazilians who are singing and samba-ing and playing drums, here are some things to say, and not to say. Appropriate: “Dude, Neymar is so awesome and I think he’s going to win it all.” Inappropriate: “Brazil’s all hype! They’re too inexperienced.” A good way to die: “Pelé was a FRAUD!!! My 6-year-old nephew Norman played better.”
• Let your crazy out. Soccer has a way of doing that. For instance, I was at the recent American national team game against Nigeria in Jacksonville. I saw a guy putting on a fluffy, polyester unicorn suit that covered him from head to toe. Before he put on the suit, he looked like a pretty normal guy. After he put it on, he became a complete raving lunatic. Especially considering it was 90 degrees outside and he was about to die from heat stroke. But good for him! He was supporting his team. Plus, if he did die, he would forever be remembered as “that stupid idiot who wore a unicorn suit to a soccer game.” That’s legacy.
• There are no commercials during game play, so go to the restroom before the action starts. If you’re cursed like me, the most spectacular goal in the history of soccer will take place while you’re headed to the lavatory. Risk bladder injury for soccer!
• Myth: Soccer players don’t use their hands because they just had manicures and don’t want to chip a nail. True, they probably DID just have manicures, but that’s not the reason.
• If your employees keep disappearing around noon and 4 p.m. for the next month, it has nothing to do with the World Cup. Definitely not! No, they are in important meetings or doing very critical work … that is invisible! They are NOT hiding in a closet watching matches on their phones while wearing polyester unicorn suits. That would be crazy!