Oh, the lessons. Those that we should have learned by now when it comes to spring yard work. The ones that could have saved us pain and mental anguish this year if only we had remembered. For instance, how …
• A dingy fence is better than an aching back. It is known fact that no back pain has ever been reported by a homeowner who chose NOT to repaint a fence. Zero instances. Medical fact. But if you choose to repaint that dreaded fence, with dozens of gothic pickets that require extra attention for those tough-to-get spots, it will feel as if elephants have tap danced on your spine. Not to mention inner thigh pain. (Why does that even hurt!?!)
Plus, you will miss so many spots on the fence that your neighbors will gloatingly point this out while asking if you need glasses. Or, since you’re covered head-to-toe in white paint, whether you used the wrong end of the brush.
• You should never point out needed repairs to your wife. As we painted the fence, I noticed how a piece on the gate had come loose. By “come loose” I mean that there is no scientific explanation for how it actually stayed attached. It was totally defying physics. “Oh no,” my wife said. “You should probably fix that. And now that you mention it … the whole gate is looking like it might need to be replaced.” Ten minutes later and this casual mention had turned attention to major structural repairs needed all over the house and yard.
• You should resist the urge to clean the porch floor. Yes, it will look great if you take all the furniture off, scrub it down and rinse a year’s worth of dirt, grime, pollen and spider webs off. Once dried, it will gleam and shine, making you wonder why you haven’t done it sooner. Proud, triumphant, beaming, you will marvel at it. And that is the moment the dog will tromp by with muddy feet. As tears well in your eyes and you consider selling the beast on eBay, you will remember this is why you haven’t done this sooner.
• You should explore deep, philosophical questions. Like, is a weed really a weed? If it’s green and has flowers, isn’t it really a plant, just like the rest of your yard? And if it’s just like the rest of your yard, do you really need to spend hours of your life hunched over on your hands and knees pulling them out? And if you don’t pull them out, couldn’t you just tell your neighbors that you are going with an all-natural, organic, high-fiber Florida xeriscaped yard? That they’re all the rage in California? At which point your neighbors will remark, “Man, you still haven’t gotten that white paint off, huh?” If your back didn’t hurt so much, you might be offended.
Lessons to remember for next spring.