When did “do it yourself” become such a trendy, positive, popular term? I mean, it used to be a negative. Something you would shout when you were fed up with someone, and usually with a bit of nastiness tacked onto the end: “Oh yeah, well do it yourself … jerk face!”
But, not today. Not when we’re all proud “do-it-yourselfers.” And even though I’ve sworn off doing-it-myself — numerous times — I always find I’m pulled back in. Lured to a new project I should have hired out. Like when I decided to fix a water filter assembly in my refrigerator. Yeah! Good idea!
So here are a few tips I think everyone should ponder before launching into their own DIY nightmares … I mean … projects:
• Make sure you do it right before heading out of town on a business trip. Your wife will absolutely love this when she realizes the “fix” you may (or may not) have just completed could send a jet of cold water spraying into the kitchen while you’re gone.
My wife always asks me questions like, “So what’s the worst that could happen?” I hate these questions, partly because I’m brutally honest, and partly because I think humor is a great way to pivot away from a problem: “Well, you remember that scene in the ‘Titanic?’ The one where the rivets shoot out of the steel?” The look of horror on my wife’s face makes me realize I have miscalculated terribly and need to go!
• Always make your best guess when you’re ordering parts online. Don’t bother looking up the exact part number. Don’t bother doing any actual research. That’s for fools. Just plunge on in. Give it your best shot. Buy anything the same color. I mean, it’s only a $20 part that costs another $26 for shipping and handling.
• When you’re working on anything involving water, don’t listen to your wife when she recommends — shoot, even offers to put down! — towels in case there’s a leak. Because, oh no! There won’t be a leak. Are you kidding me? This thing is going to be a piece of … WOOOSHHH!!! (Cue scene from “Titanic.”)
• Realize there is a point-of-no-return. This point is when something either breaks or you disassemble so much looking for the problem that it resembles a rocket explosion. At these points, you will be far too embarrassed to ever call a repairman to dig you out. Because how will you explain it? And how will you live down the look he gives you — that smug smile and shake of the head signaling you are a waste of a good man? And how will you ever look your dear wife in the face again, when she is soaking wet, without a key appliance, grumbling over the huge repair bill and wondering why she lets you out of the house unchaperoned?
If you’re lucky, you won’t hear, “Just had to do-it-yourself,” with that stinging little nastiness tacked on the end.