The Colorado State University Tropical Meteorology Project recently issued its 2018 hurricane season forecast. They are calling for 14 named storms, seven hurricanes and a whopping three major churners this season. (“Major churner” is meteorological lingo for “Watch out ‘cus your hindquarters might wash away!”)
Colorado State’s latest prediction prompted all of the tropical world to ask: Why are a bunch of ski bums out West talking to us about hurricanes?!? They’ve never been in the cone of uncertainty! We don’t go and make blizzard predictions for them! Why do they have to ruin our otherwise peaceful spring? Or at least, can’t they use more comforting language. They could have said: “Expect a slightly above-average chance of wind ripping your roof off. Oh, and maybe look into what a truck-load of canned meat costs.” Would that be so hard?
Anyway, after two years of storms wreaking havoc on St. Augustine, and with all this talk of hurricane season coming, it has gotten me thinking more seriously about storm planning.
Like how I might need a 50-gallon drum of emergency water, or a rain barrel to collect what falls from the sky. Forget the fact that even after losing power for a week last year, we still have water bottles stacked up in the pantry. I WANT AN EMERGENCY RAIN BARREL!!! Possibly with a built-in water filter and a shower attachment with optional soap holder. (My shower worked the whole time, but this would be more fun.)
I’ve found myself doing searches for “emergency supplies” on Amazon. Have you ever done this? It’s really fascinating to see what comes up. For instance, there is a portable toilet seat with a handle. This isn’t high on my list, but the minute my wife reads about it, I’m sure she will order a case.
There are giant tins of peanut butter powder and tomato powder and — I’m totally getting this — a 2 lb. can of freeze-dried pork sausage crumbles. Why aren’t we eating this year-round?!?
There are flame-less emergency stoves (need about 12 of those) and emergency thermal blankets (need seven of those … even though it will be at least 97 degrees at night) and an emergency ax with a built-in beer bottle opener. This will look way scarier than the machete I normally sleep with. (I’m thinking about really amp-ing it up this year!!!)
I’ve always wondered what makes people get into “prepping” — you know, those survivalists who stock up on everything they need to make it through any disaster. I’ve decided it’s not the fear of the apocalypse or zombie attacks. Truth is, it’s because the stuff is so darn cool! A 104-serving emergency food survival pack that comes in a sealed plastic bucket? Are you kidding me: I’ve got to have one. It has a 25-year shelf life and beef stroganoff! I LOVE beef stroganoff!!!
So, go ahead Colorado meteorologists. Scare us, why don’t you. I’ve got Amazon Prime and plenty of room in my attic for a 50-gallon plastic rain barrel and beef stroganoff that can last until I’m old and gray.