My wife has been talking about the hard water here in Northeast Florida and how bad it is for your skin and hair. Apparently, your hair gets frizzy and falls out, and your skin begins to look like a cross between a Nevada dessert and a molting lizard. All because of various mineral deposits and lime scale and a host of other things that sound totally made up by infomercial “scientists.” But I wouldn’t say that in public because I don’t want to sleep on the sofa.
Oops!
I’m a dutiful husband, though, and I certainly don’t want to look like a molting lizard or the Nevada dessert, especially after a night of sleeping on the couch. So, when she forwarded me an article about water filters for showers that take out bad stuff and help to rejuvenate your body and hair, I did some research, feigned interest and actually bought one.
“I ordered the shower filter,” I told her.
“Oh goodie!” she said clapping like a seal. “Did you get the one with the Vitamin C infused ceramic beads and the micro luffa sponges and the seaweed extract that turns chlorine into butterscotch candy?”
“Um … yeah … let me go check …”
Yeah, I did no such thing. I actually ordered the filter that adds more chlorine to water, along with a little roofing tar and some other hazardous chemicals that turns your toenails green. So, let me just quickly cancel that order and replace it with – BINGO! — the 12-stage filter she wanted.
“Yep, definitely ordered the right one. Has the frou-frou Vitamin C seaweed extract butterscotch candy thing-y.”
“Oh goodie!”
It came in the mail. I installed it. The water came out, and as luck would have it, I got to take the first shower.
And, I’ve got to tell you … my skin, hair and even NAILS feel revitalized! I mean, fresh and new and rejuvenated.
I bounded down the stairs spinning like a top. “Feel my hair, everybody!” I told my wife and daughter. “Just FEEL it! It’s luxurious and soft and SILKY!!! Like a pampered French poodle bathed in orange juice and olive oil. And my skin and nails? Well, my nails still look like they’ve been through a wheat thresher, but you can’t expect miracles after one wash!”
Truth is, I need a little help. I’m getting up there in years, and what no one ever told me is “up there in years” really means your body goes downtown. I have eyebrows the length of pine trees, strange islands of hair sprouting in the most awkward of places, and for the first time in my life, I would describe myself as “lumpy.” I look like a bowl of porridge.
It prompts my 12-year-old to say things like this: “Don’t take offense: You’re supposed to be hairy.” Then she recoils from me with a sickened shiver.
Maybe this new shower filter and its newfangled Vitamin C infusion will do me some good. Although I should probably trade out the filter that prevents hair loss with one that washes it ALL away.