Florida winters, frozen friends and emails about the polar vortex

To all of my Northern friends, I do apologize that it is so cold up there. Like really cold. Thanks to the polar vortex, I hear it has been like minus-75 degrees cold. That’s cold! And I’m sorry that I live in Florida, where it’s also cold. But not that cold. In fact, nowhere near that cold. But I find it cold. Sorry! I’m from Tampa … 82 degrees is cold for me.  Anyway, friends, I feel for you. You’re in my thoughts … but can you please refrain from sending me angry emails that go something like this:

Dear Brian, How are you … you warm Floridian [lots of foul language I can’t repeat here because of the children]? I bet you’re at the beach right now, sipping a margarita, LAUGHING at us! Aren’t you? Laugh it up, Florida boy! Do you know what it’s like up here?!? It’s 165-below-zero … before you factor in the windchill. Then it’s minus 1,600 degrees. Ice literally implodes at the temperature. My cat is so mad. He hasn’t been out in 2 weeks.

I just wanted to say I REALLY enjoyed your recent email asking me how I am and whether I’ve tried the latest Polar Vortex popsicle. HAHAHA! Aren’t you just so funny, Florida boy. You know what else is funny? Yellow snow. I think I’ll send you some. “It’ll melt before it gets here,” I bet you’re thinking. But it’s so cold, it won’t melt for 17 years. And the best part? You’re a Floridian … you don’t even know what yellow snow is! I bet you’ll think IT’S a popsicle. Yeah! A popsicle! Let’s just go with that, Florida boy. Take it to the beach why don’t you.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter, but it’s cold up here. Really, really cold, and your Florida jokes are getting tiresome. Did I send you “funny” emails when the hurricanes hit. You know, at least in a hurricane you can go outside afterward. My front door has been frozen shut for 2 weeks! Do you know how mad my cat is?!? Do you have any idea what a cooped-up, ticked-off cat will do to a house in 2 weeks? I might send you some of that, too!

So, I hope you’re enjoying your “winter” down in Florida, Florida boy. That you don’t get “frostbite” wearing your winter-ized flip-flops, or that you don’t suffer “hypothermia” while wearing your heavy winter coat … which is probably just one of those cheap plastic rain parkas that you get at amusement parks. Darn Floridians! Do you even own a sweater? Do you even have ice in your iced tea? If I see you on Instagram with a tan, I’m coming down there to pop you one!

Anyway, thank you for your (snarky) concern about our health, and I’m sure it will all be ok, just as soon as I get the front door unfrozen and I finally get this angry cat outside. Keep an eye on the mail. Your delivery should get there just as soon as postal service resumes. Remember: yellow snow = popsicle.

Sincerely,

HATE YOU! [Lots of foul emojis I can’t repeat here because of the children]

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