OK, so hurricane season is here and we’ve already had three named storms. Forecasters are calling for an overly active season, and the tropics are spitting them out like a drunken shooting gallery. Add on top of that we’re still in the midst of a pandemic and it’s enough to make you go crazy … or move to Iowa.
Emergency officials always warn us to prepare early for the possibility of storms, but this year they’re also saying to take into consideration how coronavirus has thrown an extra wrench into the mix. Yeah, great! Because there wasn’t enough to think about before. So, as a certified “storm preparation artiste” and a year-round worry wart, I’m here to offer a few helpful tips on getting ready for this year’s season, which might just be a doozy:
• If a storm threatens and you are forced to evacuate, remember to wear shoes. I say this because many of us have been working from home, and if you’re like me, you haven’t worn a pair of shoes during actual “office” hours since probably early March. In fact, my biggest concern about returning to the office is whether I will be able to go an entire day in socks and loafers. So, in times of trouble, take a moment to pause and remember to put some protection on your feet.
• Canned peaches. That could be the whole list right there. I don’t know why, but they are possibly the most delicious things you can have in a storm, regular or pandemic-enhanced. I have no idea why. I would NEVER eat them any other time of the year. They frankly look like some kind of internal organ, and have a texture somewhere between cantaloupe rind or rotting banana. But put me in the middle of a natural disaster and I could spend all day devouring can after can. Why are they so delicious?!?
• Mosquitoes don’t social distance. (Less a tip than a statement of fact.)
• Give out lots of advice you’re not qualified to give. Like I’m doing right now! Or when your dad calls to ask if you have any opinions or recommendations on buying a portable generator. Oh sure! I mean, I don’t actually have a generator, know absolutely nothing about them and once got electrocuted plugging my cell phone into its charger. But, let me give it a go: Make sure you get one that is red. Those are the best. And put it somewhere conspicuous, so all of your neighbors know you’re basking in comfort while they’re swatting mosquitoes in the dark while eating lukewarm canned peaches, which are 2 years past their expiration date. That’s what my neighbors do to me. Oh, and make sure to follow the advice of the most sketchy DIY hurricane preppers on the Web. You know, the ones who say you can run your entire house off of a generator rated for a single toaster. And all through an extension cord that you normally use for your Christmas tree. Because that’s not a good way to burn your whole house down!
• Know friends who buy Meals, Ready-to-Eat by the box full. Because those same friends are also the ones who never eat them, decide they hate them and will pay YOU to take them off their hands even when things hit rock-bottom and there’s nothing else to eat. You might be able to trade some canned peaches.
• Think about how super-cool you’re going to look after a storm when there’s no power and everyone is worried about looters and you’re out sitting on your porch in a black COVID mask while holding a machete. I mean, just think about that! You’re going to look straight out of “Mad Max!” For the first time in my life, I might actually look somewhat tough, and even a little scary. I can’t wait!
• Make peace with your wife. Because you razzed her pretty hard when she bought that blowup kiddie pool for the backyard. You laughed and joked and made fun of her. You called it silly and a waste of money. And all of those words – your stupid, stupid words! – are going to come back to haunt you when the power’s off, its 127 degrees outside and she and the kid are lounging all day in that pool. That glorious, refreshing, relaxing pool. Because no invite to join them is coming until you make peace. And you might have to turn over some of your precious canned peaches. So buy extra!