Whew! I need a break. You need a break. We ALL need a break. I don’t know what I just witnessed, but the fight promoters … I mean debate producers … said it was supposed to be a presidential debate between the two leading party candidates.
Only, what I saw the other night when I wrote this was carnage. Like when you were a kid and glimpsed something on TV you weren’t supposed to. How it left you chewing your fingernails, feeling dirty and kept you up all night muttering to yourself: “I will never watch TV again! I will never watch TV again! I will never watch TV again!”
Amen.
So, my good friends, with almost a month to go before the end of this mangy, molten fungal train wreck of an election in what has been a mangy, molten fungal train wreck of a year, I think you deserve a break. Something to get your mind off of it. To clear your head and refresh your soul. To give you hope and a sense of humanity. To provide you with some uplifting and inspiring news that isn’t about polls or COVID or all-things presidential election-related.
And because I like you that much, I spent the last 20 minutes scouring the Internet for a bounty of spirit-boosting stories to get the bad taste out of your mouth:
• Believe it: Politics CAN be about relevant and meaningful topics that actually relate to real peoples’ lives. Like in North Carolina where Democratic Senate candidate Cal Cunningham took a controversial stand on an issue close to the hearts of many North Carolinians: BBQ. In a Tweeted photo of himself standing next to a GAS grill, he wrote: “There’s nothing better than BBQ.” Except, since he wasn’t standing next to what looked like a smoking World War II-era submarine loaded with burning hickory chunks and a whole hog, Twitter erupted. That’s not BBQ, they said. That’s wieners on a grill. Some called for apologies, and others labeled it a scandal. One poet brought tears to the eyes of this amateur wordsmith when he wrote: “You sir, are grilling hot dogs and hamburgers. You are not slow cooking a whole hog over wood, which is, in fact, what BBQ is. Especially in NC, where you are running for a US Senate seat. Are you okay? What possessed you to tweet this?!” Not only brilliant prose, but a good example of how politics can still touch on issues that matter.
• On the tech front, Amazon unveiled a new security video camera for your home that is actually a flying drone called “Ring.” It will fly about your house and record footage from lots of different angles. And on the surface, this sounds really, really cool. Why rely on a stationary camera that burglars can easily dodge when they are, for instance, stealing your stationary camera? But a drone can cover your entire house, and as a bonus, get those pesky cobwebs dangling from your ceiling fan. Yet, I worry about privacy. Like how do we stop it from walking in on us while we’re using the bathroom? Not even my extremely intelligent 14-year-old daughter can be taught to knock first. And more importantly, how can they ensure that every time I trip over the cat – who is deaf — and then berate him for sleeping at the foot of the stairs – which has absolutely no effect on him … because he’s deaf! – this camera doesn’t just upload the whole incident to TikTok where it goes viral? Otherwise, I’m totally in.
• In South Florida, there was a bidding war for a condo with walls and ceilings covered in Budweiser cans. Why the interest? I mean, like just go to IKEA. But I’m guessing that several guys who were sick of their wives telling them to put their beer cans in the recycling bin saw this as a way to camouflage their slovenliness. Now home decorators are saying this could be the beginning of a hot new design trend. What’s next? Pizza boxes and crumpled potato chip bag wallpaper.
• In the United Kingdom, a zoo had to move several of its parrots from a display because the birds were yelling obscene things at visitors. Guests to the park tease the animals themselves, but the minute they heard critters reply, “Hey fatty, do you really need that ice cream cone?” or “Wanna’ know where Polly’s gonna’ stick this cracker?” it was apparently too much to bear.
• Scientists believe that they have found evidence of major underground lakes containing liquid water on Mars. This is incredibly exciting news in the search for possible life on the Red Planet. But even more importantly, these lakes would be one of only two foreign locations where American tourists are actually allowed to visit due to COVID-19 restrictions. The other one is a toxic sulfur pit in the Sudan, but they don’t have boat rentals. So, this is REALLY promising!
But, folks, I’m afraid that’s kind of it. I mean, I looked … a lot! So, I don’t know … you all want to talk some more about that debate, or go grill up some BBQ hot dogs?