It’s time for the Magic Explainer
After a year of technological inventions that helped us better navigate the pandemic, 2021 is looking to be a bit of a let-down. Proof can be found in the recent 2021 Consumer Electronics show – a debutante ball of sorts for the latest and greatest gadgetry. This year’s event showed off everything from a toilet that can tell you about your health (I won’t explain how!) to self-opening pet doors activated by an app on your phone.
Revolutionary? Life-changing? Or a sign that the geeks in the lab are getting bored and running out of ideas?
Why not more pragmatic and simple tech like we got in 2020 when videoconferencing, health apps and other ingenious advancements made our lives better? More connected. More livable.
You know, things we really need. Like a Magic Explainer. That’s my idea. Think of it: A device that dispenses advice, wisdom and a host of explanations for problems that are stymieing us.
Wouldn’t that be great?!?
I know what you’re thinking: We already have virtual personal assistants like Siri and Alexa. But for me, they’re too passive. Always waiting for us to call them. Better at direct commands and helping with everyday tasks. They lack initiative, and don’t know when to insert themselves in situations to be more useful to us.
I envision a device that rolls around the house at our ever beck and call. That can adjust to situations by adapting advice from soothing and philosophical to matter-of-fact and even blunt.
Sometimes The Magic Explainer will need to “tell it like it is.”
Like when my daughter started talking about her need for a bearded dragon. Lucky enough, she had found one in Nevada with a pedigree rivaling even the Queen of England’s. A show dragon!
This is the perfect opportunity for The Magic Explainer to pop into action: “Child! Seriously?!?” it would bark as it appeared out of nowhere. “Do you know how hard your parents work? Have you noticed that while you wear fine clothes, they walk around in the same depressing rags that they’ve had since the 90s? They’re starting to look like characters in a Dickens novel. Bearded dragon?!? Girl, you have got to get with it!”
Whew! That’s telling it like it is, Magic Explainer! Harsh … but kind of necessary.
The little device would be perfect for explaining high-tech, complicated and difficult-to-comprehend stuff. Like how my wife is mad that her “dawn of the dinosaurs” iPhone is becoming obsolete and starting to have issues thanks to recent updates. Plus, the battery doesn’t hold a charge for more than 17 seconds.
Here it would need to be more delicate: “Dear madam, it must be noted that the iPhone in your possession was in fact the very same device that Moses himself used when he parted the waters. You should also know that he traded it in because he wanted the new one with 33 camera lenses on the front. Now, while we do understand your complaint about technology being designed so you always have to buy new devices, it must also be noted that cursing at your phone has relatively no effect on extending the battery’s charge. So, for everyone’s sake, please take your husband up on his offer to buy a new phone and let’s send this one off to the Museum of Antiquities and Really Old Crap.”
The Magic Explainer isn’t just for inconsiderate husbands and fathers to avoid dealing with difficult conversations. I could use its wise counsel as much as anyone. For instance, when I’m carrying a folding table, a Christmas wreath and a tub of outside Christmas ornaments the size of Guam up the attic’s pull-down stairs … ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
“Are you kidding me?!?” it would shout. “Get down from there right now! Right this very instant. You look at me when I’m talking to you, mister. Let me explain to your three working brain cells why you’re not only about to die, but also going to end up on national news for being the world’s stupidest man. Now go wash up for dinner.”
Or when a light bulb in the brand new ceiling fan light fixture I just put in goes out. “Magic Explainer, what is wrong with this thing?!? I just replaced the old one because of this very same problem!”
“Well, let’s see,” it will reply. “Did you buy the same exact light fixture?”
“Um, yeah.”
“And was it the same cheap, poorly-made foreign no-name brand as before?”
“Um, yeah.”
“And you REALLY need me to explain this one to you?”
Think of the myriad of mysteries that could be solved. What an air fryer does. Why I think I’m going to read that biography of Alexander Hamilton that weighs more than my car. Why it never fails that the minute you get a new article of clothing you get a run in it or spill spaghetti sauce down the front.
That’s what the geeks in the lab should really be working on. That’s what we all could really use around the house. That’s what I hope we’ll see at the big show next year. (Although, I must say the counter-top soft-serve ice cream maker was pretty darn awesome. Magic Explainer, do you think my wife would like that instead of a new phone?)