All right! The weather is finally starting to turn a little more spring-like. That means we native Floridians are less likely to die of frostbite or hypothermia when we take the garbage to the curb. (Almost didn’t make it back last week. Lost three toes.) This also means we can begin venturing back into the wilds in search of adventure through hiking, kayaking, fishing and for some really extreme types, cross country cornhole.
So, as you begin to consider what outdoor adventures you might search out as the first twinklings of spring arrive, I’ve put together a checklist of items to help you begin planning your outdoor weekend excursions:
• Taking your dog with you will be an excellent idea and a truly enjoyable experience … right up to the moment that she throws up all over the back seat because she remembers how as a puppy she used to get motion sickness. It is important to keep in mind at moments like this: The idea was truly terrible and someone else should be blamed for it.
• When you head out with family and set a time to leave, remember this: They always stop for coffee and donuts. So, add two hours to your actual departure time and plan to sleep in.
• If you are eating lunch on the road, and literally in your car, make sure you stop someplace where you can pick up something easy to consume as you drive. Like a burrito! One of those massive ones. The kind that will sprain your wrist if you hold it the wrong way. And make sure it’s the kind that completely falls apart in your lap at the first bite. That way in your shock and confusion, you not only look like a display of modern art, but you also take the wrong interstate on-ramp and end up three counties over.
• Plan and pack the night before. That way you can convincingly say in the morning, “Well, I know I forgot the kid back at home, but in my defense, nobody put her on the list!”
• Snacks are critical. So, make sure you grab already-opened bags of chips and goodies that are less than 1/8 full, not to mention so stale that they are one the verge of becoming an entirely different food group. (Think pretzels = broccoli.)
• Remember, fellas: When your wife says, “Are you sure you have that kayak tied up there securely?” and you want to angrily retort, “Of course I do. Have some faith! Have I ever had a problem tying stuff down?!?” the answer to that question is most definitely, “Yes! Yes, you’ve had MANY problems.” Like the time the 7 sheets of plywood ripped your roof racks off. Or the time you dumped a load of 4X4s and concrete out the back of the truck bed and shutdown four lanes of traffic. Or the time your kayak went airborne and never came back down again. You never saw it again. It’s probably in geo-stationary orbit over Arkansas. So, just smile and give those frayed ratchet straps, which are at least a decade past their life expectancy, another look.
• If your brother wants to have a long, drawn-out debate about whether toilet paper should be considered an essential outdoors item, you need a better brother.
• And if your brother keeps inviting you to go camping, just respond: “Um … uh … you know we’ve been really busy, and this COVID is far more transmissible in fresh air and wide open countryside.”
• If any of your family members ever say something along the lines of, “So, I don’t know what it is, but we’re kind of like tick magnets,” take a different car. And if a family member ever recites a story that includes something along the lines of, “… and that’s when he walked into a tick nest and I had to strip the boy down and use a pine cone to scrape them all off …” you need a better family.
• And if anyone in your family wants to stop for coffee and donuts, just plan on leaving the next day and meet up with them, because you’ll still probably beat them there first. Even if the burrito does explode all over your lap and you end up three counties over.