How to make a perfect Mother’s Day? It’s all in the preparation. And the technique. And knowing not to say things to your wife like, “Wait, why do I have to do everything? You’re daughter’s the one you gave birth to! Why isn’t she doing the dishes?” Well, maybe not perfect. But here’s a look at how we pulled off the almost-perfect Mother’s Day this year in case you’re taking notes for future years:
• Be careful what you buy. For instance, my daughter came up with a great idea she saw online: A facial jade roller and skin massager. It sounded wonderful. Relaxes and soothes your face. Rolls across the skin, nourishing and replenishing your cells. Reduces line and wrinkles. WAIT!!! What?!? “Oh heck no!” I told her. “We can’t buy your mother something that is supposed to reduce wrinkles. That’s signing our own death warrant.” My daughter pointed out that she doesn’t have any wrinkles, and that it’s just something relaxing. But I wasn’t about to ruin Mother’s Day with a, “Hey, just in case you get some bags under your eyes, here’s a jade roller!” We would both be sleeping with the chickens.
• When your 15-year-old daughter yells from across the house, “Mom? Mom! MOM!!!” smile and say, “Isn’t it just the sweetest sound? Really captures the spirit of the day, and the wonders of being a mother, doesn’t it? I bet you’re SOOOO thankful right now.”
• Don’t say, “So, you know what would really make Mother’s Day special? Formula 1 racing and a nice, cold IPA.” That will not go over well, especially with a 15-year-old yelling from the across the house. (It should be noted that her great cause for alarm was a spider crawling across the ceiling, which turned out to be some lint.)
• Offer to go for a walk … by yourself. That way your wife can have a little peace and quiet around the house. And when she texts you and says, “This is great, and I really appreciate this. Best gift ever! Can you make it 24 hours,” don’t take it personally. Just find a nice bush to camp in.
• Cute ideas are often a complete pain in the butt. Like when your daughter decides to do a painting for her mother. Great! Yep, go do that. Only she wants the blue flowers and a bee buzzing to be paw prints from the dog and the cat. Oh, no way! Take the next bus out of town, kid! Are you kidding me? Have you ever dipped an animal paw in paint? It’s like putting a weed whacker in a bowl of pudding. You better be in full protective gear, and on someone else’s property. There will be more paint on you and your house than the canvas. And say you somehow succeed, you will now have an angry animal with a large amount of paint dripping from an appendage. You won’t have stopped to think, “So, how does one go about removing a large amount of paint from a steamed-up kitty?” Because why would you? This doesn’t happen in normal society. But the kitty is not happy, and seems to be relishing the idea of scratching your eyes with his yellow-paint claws. And a hose outside is also not gonna’ go over well. Because the kitty likens this to being dropped in a vat of boiling oil. All the while this is happening, your daughter will find this SO amusing. Because she will have bailed out and gone inside. When does the age of homemade presents finally end?
• When your own mother’s request is for people to come over and bring pizza, and you owe your brother a favor and therefore offer to pay for everything, and then your mother says she wants to pay to celebrate your wives, and hands you a stack of bills double what you actually paid, causing you to think to yourself, “Wait a minute, I think I actually netted $100 on the deal,” do you say something, or just take the money and roll with it? Ethical dilemma!
• Most of all, make sure you take the time to appreciate these extraordinary women who have done something truly extraordinary. They not only gave birth, but also raised and cared for and nurtured their children. (In fact, my mother is STILL trying to nurture me today!) They have sacrificed, and always been self-less. They have heard calls in the middle of the night and come running. They have held hands during shots and sat with their kids through fevers and tears, and all manner of aches and pains. Dispensed wisdom, dished out meats and always put someone else above their own needs. They’ve given up so much to get that three-letter title, M-O-M. One that kids love to call when there’s a spider on the ceiling. So, reflect on that, not just for the day, but all year. And – this is a biggie – if you get a jade roller, make sure you DON’T play up the wrinkle-removing benefits. Just say, “it’s relaxing.”