I’m setting two goals for myself: 1) Try to make $1 trillion by mining bitcoin on my standard-issue home computer, and 2) finally cut the cable cord. I want to do these two things because it seems like everyone is these days. And at my advancing age it is important to keep up with the trends and stay relevant. (Plus, learn some TikTok dances.)
But I’m also motivated by money. Because we all could use more of it, and right now, it seems like all of mine is going to the cable company. I looked at my cable bill recently and realized that I am paying what is equivalent to the national debt of Northern Macedonia. Each month! And I’m sure they at least have some kind hydro-electric damn to show for their money.
Me? I have 82,000 channels and only two that I use: Food Network and any channel with a show on that has “unexplained” in the title. (Someone really should start a whole network called “Unexplained” to capture the attention of people like me. It could be bigger than mining Bitcoin.)
Otherwise, I don’t use it. Actually, that isn’t true. I use it quite a bit as I scroll endlessly through the channel guide in a desperate search for something to watch. Anything with the word “unexplained” in the title. I’m like a thirsty man lost in a desert. Or worse, a zombie stumbling around moaning, “Must watch ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.’”
Anyway, when I calculated the amount of quality time spent “watching” cable and divided it by the national debt of Northern Macedonia, and then compared it to the thousands of dollars I spend on streaming services like Netflix and Disney+ that I actually use, I realized … I can’t do math. But that while I don’t know the exact figure, I AM wasting a lot of money.
So, I’m trying to learn how to become a “cord-cutter.”
This is a fancy term for an individual who doesn’t like paying the national debt of Northern Macedonia each month and wants to stick it to the cable company by dropping their service. This last part is extremely important. Because it’s not enough to just eliminate a service or save extra money.
Cord-cutting, it seems, has to be an act of liberation. Of sticking it to the cable man for years of stealing our money and convincing us that an incredibly fancy remote control that you can talk to will somehow make the world better. (If I’m being honest, it really kind of does, but that’s beside the point!)
Cord-cutting is a movement. A revolution. A way of taking back … uh … our digital … um … I don’t know. I think there’s a manifesto or something, but I didn’t really read it all.
Cord-cutters are a community of like-minded freedom fighters. They have web sites and advice columns and I think there are even patches you can earn to sew on your cord-cutter leather jacket. (“I earned this one for creativity in service cancellation. I rode an alpaca into the cable company’s corporate office and delivered a registered letter myself.”)
They’re hard core.
And I think you have to be. Because cutting the cord is not easy, I’m finding. There’s the emotional baggage of letting go. There’s trying to understand how you’re going to get your Food Network and “unexplained” shows through the multitude of streaming services out there. There’s figuring how you’re going to stream a lot more bandwidth into your house when you thought “bandwidth” was how wide a musical act extended across the stage. And then there’s the fear that you may no longer have a remote control that never understands what you say and makes you scream, “I said put on some $#@&!% soccer, you cable stooge!”
I’m researching. I’m reading advice columns. I’m setting up elaborate spreadsheets and getting lots of prices. I’m learning all kinds of things about streaming speeds and Internet … uh … technical stuff that is four miles above my basic ability to plug a wire into the wrong TV input. And I’m looking into whether I can use any old leather jacket, or if cord-cutters wear a particular kind.
Plus, I’m thinking about what I’m going to do with all that money I’m going to save. Mind you, my math isn’t good, but I have calculated it to be in the several million dollars. I figure I can take all that cash, plow it into computer hardware and start mining Bitcoin. Because that’s where cord-cutters seem to go next. And they even have a patch for it.