The text message thread is the modern-day equivalent of a ship’s log – a break-down of everything that happens as you record information, offer updates and make cries for help. It can capture moments in time, like when your dad comes up and your brother plots an elaborate, meandering adventure to see a number of “historical” outdoor sights … the same weekend a Nor’easter roars in with King Tides and the lowest temperatures of the year. Outdoors? Yeah, makes sense!
And off you troop, against common sense, with his 8-year-old son and your 15-year-old daughter. Your wife is back at base camp getting regular reports … and wondering when she should send out the search party. Here is a word-for-word transcript of that ill-fated adventure:
Me: We have made it to Flagler Beach. Crossed flooding, traveled through heavy winds and rain, and almost lost a man to a gas station donut that must have been 3 months old. We’re now looking at crashing waves on the beach. Not sure what our plan is. We may go to Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and then see some Native American shell mounds.
Nancy: WHAT?!!! I thought you were going to a museum because the weather was so bad and it was inside?
Me: Yes. My brother, it turns out, is a raging liar. That was his ploy to get us out in the middle of a Nor’easter. He should probably run a con-man shell game. He would make gobs of money. I may have to go. His son’s jacket puffed up in the wind and he’s being blown over the dunes like a kite.
Nancy: OK. What time do you think you’ll be back?
Me: Two at the latest. I’m already working on excuses to get back home. BTW do you know how to fake typhoid symptoms?
Nancy: Always an uncharted adventure with that crew.
Me: Yep. But Amelie is having fun.
Nancy: Are you having fun too?
Me: That depends on whether your idea of fun is being caught in a bear trap. Right now, I’m praying that the Lord shows me to the nearest liquor store.
Nancy: OK. Good luck.
Me: [Sends picture of daughter climbing lighthouse steps with 8-year-old nephew.]
Nancy: Looks like she’s having fun. What time do you think you’ll be home? Your mom thinks you should not plan to come back until 3 because of all the flooding downtown. A car got stuck on Riberia Street. She called the police to request barricades and was told they are all out because downtown streets are flooded. She told them she will make her own. The water is up to the trash cans in front of her garage.
Me: OK. Probably won’t be back until about 3 now. We are at lunch at some sea shanty eating by the water.
Nancy: You are eating outside?!? Why?
Me: Because we’re a pack of idiots. And why sit under the nice covered area where the heaters are when you can sit out by the water freezing your bippy off? We’re eating bang bang shrimp. Who orders bang bang shrimp!?!
Nancy: ???
Me: Never mind … I’m very cold and I’ve developed a cough that sounds like I’m busting granite with a sledgehammer. I’m starting to hate these people. We’re going to a Native American shell mound now and then headed back.
Nancy: OK. Do you think you’re still gonna’ want everyone to get together for dinner tonight?
Me: Hell no!!! These people are nuts. They eat bang bang shrimp!
Nancy: OK
Me: [Sends picture of daughter walking up some kind of mound.]
Nancy: Is that the main thing you guys were talking about seeing?
Me: I’m thinking yes. It is not nearly as exciting as he makes it out. But the weather has improved, it’s a good little hike and right now I’m mercifully all by myself while Scott gives a lecture. So …
Nancy: You make me laugh.
Me: That wasn’t a joke!
Nancy: Please text when you head back
Me: OK. We are hitting Bongoland on the way. I’m guessing 4 now.
Nancy: What’s “Bongoland?”
Me: As best I can tell it’s some kind of 1950s tourist attraction that is now a park. There are supposed to be ruins of large concrete dinosaurs to look at.
Nancy: What do dinosaurs have to do with bongos?
Me: !!!!!!!!
Nancy: OK
Me: Stupid Bongoland had a wedding, so that didn’t pan out. Scott was very mad. He wanted to have words with the bride and groom. We’re now driving through Daytona going to some other thing on the way back. He won’t tell us what. It’s a “surprise.” What’s the emoji for sarcasm … or “my brother is a bang bang shrimp?” I’ll keep you posted. Looks like probably 5 at earliest now.
Nancy: OK.
Me: He’s taken us to some state park. There is a big gaudy statue he wanted to show us. He thinks it’s the ugliest, most awful thing he’s ever seen, and he just loves it.
Nancy: OK. That’s weird. What is your ETA?
Me: No idea. I’ve given up all hope. I don’t think we’ll ever return. Go on with your life. Re-marry. Prosper. Share this with the world so they know not to make the same mistakes I have. Oh no … I have to go … he wants to take us to see some old-timey sugar mill …