Oh man, dog-sitting. There is nothing better in life than dog-sitting. Taking in someone else’s K-9 and trying to get them to assimilate with your family. And they can’t do that. They’re dogs! They do dog things. You can’t explain things to them. You can’t say: “OK, so we have rules here. That means you can run the Kentucky Derby in the dining room and then throw up in the living room. It’s NOT acceptable!” But they don’t get it. This is normal behavior for them.
I haven’t had to dog-sit my brother’s dog, Ella, in a while. We had a porch cat who slept inside, and there was too big a risk she might eat him. So she didn’t stay over. But now that the cat has passed away, we’re back in the dog-sitting business. And it has reminded me of all the tips and tricks that every dog-sitter should know:
• The dog-walk tango. Inevitably your family will bail on you and you’ll get stuck having to walk multiple dogs on your own. When your own dog is 45 pounds, and your family member’s is 362 pounds, it will make for a challenge. Especially if the new dog walks like a drunken sailor, zig-zagging down the street from side to side, and going up on hind legs like a kangaroo at the first sign of a cat or a squirrel or a leaf. This will make you twist and turn and pirouette down the street until you’re dizzy and your neighbors are applauding your performance. “Bravo!” they shout. Only, walking two dogs who have their own speeds and priorities (pee and smell flowers vs. KILL THAT SQUIRREL!!!) is a lot like being drawn and quartered as your limbs are nearly torn from their sockets.
• Dogs are part goats. You know this by the fact that many of them love to eat grass. In fact, a dog like this can be put to work in your yard where they will mow down acres of land for you. There is a teensy-weensy, minor issue with this: Dogs don’t digest grass. In fact, they like to return it to the world. Usually after they’ve run the Kentucky Derby in your dining room and can’t stomach it anymore in your living room.
• Losing your cool in public is not cool. You can blow your top in the comfort of your own house. (“I told you running makes you sick!!!”) But doing it on the street is a major no-no. Neighbors will never look at you the same way if you’re overheard yelling this at a dog: “YOU SAW I WAS PICKING UP YOUR POOP! AND THAT’S WHEN YOU DECIDED TO LUNGE FOR THE SQUIRRELL!?! NOW IT’S IN MY HAIR!!!”
• Dog under-foot. (Tango, part 2.) Remember that the new dog might be kind of stressed out. I mean, you probably have yelled at her A LOT. And so it is only natural that to find comfort, and at the same time bond with you, the animal will follow you around and lie at your feet. This is kind of sweet and endearing … right up to the point where she does it in the kitchen and you have 15 glasses from the dishwasher and topple over the mound of hippopotamus lying directly beneath you. (Make sure the windows to your house are closed before losing your cool!)
• When people ask, “Did you get a second dog?” try not to laugh or say anything too rude like: “You mean this thing?!? First off, I’m not even sure it’s a dog. Second, you want to buy it?” The dog does have feelings.
• Keep your check-in messages with the owners positive and succinct. Here’s a suggestion: “Oh yeah, everything is going great and your dog is an absolute angel. Listen, I have to go. I’m at the hospital having a wine glass removed from my forehead. But don’t worry, your dog had almost nothing to do with it. OK, have a great trip!”
• Dirty feet + slobbering = mud. It’s a very simple equation. There’s no sense stomping around the house and yelling things like, “There’s mud everywhere! How did this happen?!?” It happens. Go back to cleaning up the grass in the living room.
• Yes, they will get up on the furniture. Sure, they’ll wander around your house aimlessly all night. Of course, the opossum in the backyard drives them rabid. But when those big, droopy brown eyes look up at you and seem to say, “I love you, Uncle Brian. Thank you for caring for me,” it will all be worth it. Until, of course, you topple over her carrying two arms-full of steak knives, and then it’s back to the hospital.