Maybe you’ve seen them: The horror stories about summer travel. Long, excruciating security lines at the airport – some stretching farther than your intended trip. Gas prices that will make even backing out of your driveway cost-prohibitive. Rising expenses on everything from hotels to the cost of trail mix. (Hey, you can’t have summer without trail mix!!!)
Well, there’s good news: You and 3 trillion other people will be exactly the same boat this summer. All jetting, driving or cruising off at the same time in search of tranquility and fun. Isn’t that a welcome comfort? And thanks to all of my studious research and expert advice, I have a few tips that are guaranteed to make your summer affordable and memorable. Or at least survivable.
• Gas prices: Griping about the high cost of gas will not accomplish anything. No, I mean I get it. It’s crazy high and completely outrageous. I feel your pain. But you need to redirect that anger and frustration into something more positive. For instance, instead of screaming, “I’m literally burning money!”, maybe instead make it a conversation starter with your family. Say to them, “Gee, did you realize we are literally burning the organic material that once thrived upon this planet millions of years ago? The money we’re wasting on this agonizing trip is actually historic, and kind of cool, right?” And if, by chance, you are spending $35,000 to drive somewhere to see the fossilized remains of dinosaurs, even more exciting! Your entire family will love it … as you go bankrupt.
• Expensive hotels: Yes, hotels are incredibly expensive right now. Little known fact: This is a direct result of all the towels you stole from them over the years. (I mean, what are you doing with all of those towels?!?) But there are budget options out there if you’re willing to get creative. Instead of that 4-star resort with the lazy river and the nightly laser show, consider that interstate hotel next to the gas station with one of the lights burned out in the sign. Not only will you get a steep discount, but if you squint your eyes just right or wear sunglasses, you’ll never notice the difference. Well, unless your room is near the dumpster with the dead possum in it. I’ve also found that silent protest against astronomical prices will improve your spirits. For instance, I use all of the provided shampoo and conditioner bottles on a single hair wash!
• Lines: Lines are a reality you must get used to. Just figure out a way to make better use of that valuable time. As an example, you could get a tray with a neck strap around it and use it as a flat playing surface. This way you can teach your family how to play chess or make some extra cash ripping off other tourists with the shell game. You could also do your taxes, which are three years overdue. Or you could finally call your uncle like you’ve been saying you would for months. You know, the guy who makes crude jokes and derogatory remarks about women? Just don’t put him on speaker phone.
• Airport security: Those TSA personnel are under-staffed, over-worked and probably feeling a little bit burned out and underappreciated. So, a word of advice that will take you far in this world: Never say anything rude or spiteful to anyone who can initiate a body cavity search.
• Security lines at the airport BEFORE you get to the overworked TSA personnel who are not in the mood for your sass: No one seems to want to face up to the fact that solving the long wait at airport security is so simple: Show up wearing nothing more than your skivvies and carrying only one see-through plastic sandwich baggie. This will speed up the process immensely. Instead, people arrive wearing every item of clothing in their closet, shoes that couldn’t be removed with the jaws of life, enough metallic jewelry to literally fry a metal detector and a complete lack of awareness that when the TSA official says, “No cell phones in your pocket when going through the scanner,” what he actually means is, “Seriously, folks, we’re going to body cavity search all of you because you don’t listen!” Underwear, people! Just wear your dang underwear.
• Traffic on the roadways: A little-known scientific fact: When you’re stuck in a miles-long backup of stop-and-go traffic that just crawls along, contrary to what your significant other tells you, screaming, “Move it, morons!”, weaving back and forth from lane-to-lane and pounding on the steering wheel until you bend it WILL get you to your destination faster. Something to do with the physics of anger manipulating the spacetime continuum. Besides, who can sit there listening patiently to a podcast when you’re burning $1,800 worth of historic, million-year-old organic material.