Sometimes I have trouble believing that the world around me is real. Sometimes I think that it all just has to be a figment of my imagination — maybe I’m slumbering and whatever I ate for dinner is making me dream strange things.
How else to explain those stories you sometimes read that make your jaw drop open and your eyes pop clean out of your sockets. Like this story from Reuters that was, no kidding, headlined: “Japanese astronaut tests stink-free underwear.”
I nearly fell out of my chair. The lead started out: “Teen-age boys, are you tired of embarrassing questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan’s space scientists may have just the answer — a line of odour-free underwear and casual clothing.”
I think I wet my own trousers, which are not so high-tech or odor-free.
Who thinks of this stuff, and then folds it up and sends it into space with an astronaut? For that matter, if you’re up in space, what do you care if your underwear is odor-free? You have bigger problems. Now, if the smell is burning a hole through your space suit, OK. But otherwise I think I’d be more worried about asteroids, making sure I didn’t flush my cell phone out into space, and if someone sneezes in zero gravity, how in the world I’m going to avoid that spray.
To be fair, the point of these clothes are to cut down on laundry needs in orbit — not just to keep you smelling fresh. The primary purpose is to kill bacteria, absorb water, and keep you warm and dry. I’m all for that, but I got stuck on the odor-free part. That and how they’re also supposed to be flame-resistant. I found that amusing. As if letting flames get close to your private regions would be OK if you just had the proper protection.
The story said this Japanese astronaut has been able to wear his underwear for a week. Of course, nobody will go near him and they’ll have to be surgically removed when he gets back to Earth.
It is amazing what they’re inventing these days to save water, save energy or keep our nether regions from catching fire. I used a urinal while in New York City that didn’t flush, used no water and had no pipes. I have no idea how it worked — possibly it used chemicals and must be emptied regularly, but it also could have been magic.
And while it was pretty cool, it also was a little disturbing. All my life I’ve only known toilets to have pipes, water, a flushing mechanism that you hate to touch because it might have the ebola virus on it and a strange, fragrant little cake at the bottom that amplifies the powerful stench so much that the threads in your clothes start to fray.
This required a leap of faith. It looked very familiar to me, but yet was as alien as anything I’ve ever seen in a men’s room. (Well, except for that one time at an Alabama rest stop. Science still hasn’t explained what I saw there.)
It’s amazing, and makes you wonder what’s next: Waterless sinks? Paperless toilet paper?
Dishes that don’t need washing? How cool would that be? I want teeth that don’t need brushing, or at least that will floss themselves. Then I don’t have to keep explaining to my dentist this theory I have that one good aggressive floss a year is as good as flossing every day.
How about a shower that uses high-powered jets to blast the filth off you? Or a no-wash dog? I once mistook my pooch for a pile of dirt. How about a hat that cuts hair while you wear it?
We already have washing machines that use very little water and bulbs that use barely any energy. If scientists can create odor-free underpants, there is no end to the possibilities.